The e-mail to my heart

His Reply

let me be a bit more specific

About me saying "I dont care". What was meant by that is, it's not up to
me to dictate what you do or what you can do. If you want to drink, I cant
stop you, but I'll give you my opinion in hope that you understand and
agree not to drink and whatnot. I am not your father and like i said, I
cant tell you what to do. Everytime something regarding your friends was
brought up, it seemed like you were trying to get some sort of validity
from me or for me to "ok" it. It's not up to me to make those types of
decisions for you. If you did make decsions that in MY opinion are
negative in one way or another, so be it. You tell me a majority of your
stories and expect to get feedback, right? Of course.
Last night, what you said struck a different chord with me. Last
night was, correct me if I'm wrong, the third time ive left early in the
night or have stated that I was leaving because I was getting an attitude
from you. I'm not going to bother with it, I'm not going to twist and turn
in my sleep thinking about it. Anytime you ever have an issue, you skip
around the issue and never tell me. Then I find out weeks later in some
story. If I do something wrong and you want to get it all off your chest
and feel you cant fully express yourself in an IM, then what is stopping
you from emailing me? I expressed discontent last night and I'm doing it
now through email because I can't get this all said in one conversation.
Because of this negativity I've been getting from you, it seems
that you havent cared about what I have said lately. So be it if I've
repeated myself, but that isnt always the case. Last night I said that
your friend is cute, thats why I picked her first. Then I dont know what
you were trying to do after words by commenting "maybe thats why she has a
b/f and I dont". Am I not allowed to say someone is cute? Is that the type
of responses I would get if I made any other future comments. I wallowed
in self pity for a large majority of my h.s years. I felt sorry for myself
and I made cheezy excuses as to why I was single. While dealing with my
own issues I had to constantly tell a few of my other friends who were
going through the same issues that I was having that "they werent fat,
they werent ugly, its just bad timing, its because you go to bogan
ect..". I had to deal with my own problems as well as other people's at
the same time. I'm trying to get out of that phase. Yes I do make excuses
like "i hate girls / guys" now, but I'm not using that as an excuse as to
why I dont have a g/f. I know that I'm in a tough situation between
school/work/ and home and dont have time to socialize with alot of people,
which is probably why im single and will be for quite some time. Getting
past all of that, it bothers me to hear you say "this and that" and other
sources are the reason why you dont have a b/f. I don't mind discussing
it, but if it's something we've gone over and nothing has changed, there
isnt much more I can do to help you. I don't know if you are just fishing
for some kind of compliment or were just upset over the fact that I said
that, I have no idea.
Im a very opinionated person and I stick to my beliefs until
someone proves them wrong. (I'm sure you know this, but too bad..the
point is stressed later on). I dont believe in internet relationships, but
I do believe in friendship. It's not the same type of friendship as having
an actual physical friend, but when you don't have much social
interaction, it's what some of us have to settle for. I've told you the
whole foolish story about me "loving someone online" and how retarded I
was for believing such a thing. I've convinced myself since, that it is
impossible to love someone you truely don't know, but know about. You only
know the things about me that I choose to tell you and the same goes for
me knowing about you. I can't possibly love you without knowing who you
truely are. This is were the problem comes in. I fell for you so quickly,
I didn't even realize it. By the time you left to go home for the summer,
I was genuinely upset over the fact that we wouldn't be talking as
much. We didn't talk that much and I realized that I was truely dependent
on. I was hooked. I found myself coming home from school and thinking
about what I was going to talk to you about before I even got on the
computer. Then you went away for the summer and my feelings towards
unraveled and I came to the realization that I felt something more than
friendship and yet, I'm convinced that I cant feel that way. I read you
emails over the summmer ( and I'll apologize for calling them boring
because they, werent, I was just extremely aggravated last night and it
was a mean unecessary comment). I cared about what you were doing, but I
still missed you being on as often as you used to be. Towards July, maybe
at the end of the month, I put you on block. You were on block all the way
up until we just started school. Our conversations were dwindling, we
didnt have much to say. I knew that what I was feeling towards you
couldnt be correct and by putting you on block, I was hoping that I would
return to just looking at you as a friend. That worked.
Now again, I feel myself drifting towards that more than
friendship feeling and I can't let that happen. I again didnt realize it
until you said you didnt care about what I did. A minor comment like that
hurt me so much. But it's also a signal to me that I'm not looking at you
as a friend. I refuse to let it advance any further because I'd just be
setting myself up for heartbreak. I just feel that the best thing for me
right now is to just take a little break from our conversations. I'm
addicted, infatuatted, or whatever tag you want to place on it. But I need
to stop now or else I'll make things worse on myself further down the road

Take care

patrick