what matters and why

outsider

11/26/01
11:30am

She is discreetly attempting to tell me that I’m not invited to be in her wedding. She describes how relieved she was when a friend confided that she would understand if she turned down the bridesmaid invitation. “It would have been so expensive,” she says. “The dress, the shower presents. It’s all just stuff, you know?” I completely agree that the whole ritual is frivolous. I think that the attendants should be family, and close confidants. People who you feel will be life friends. And in saying that I honestly wish I could turn back time and do my wedding over again, and do it right. I wish that I would have kept it small and private. But I was so young and unprepared to plan such a big event. I let myself get swept up in the excitement. I invited all my friends to be my attendants, none of which I keep in close touch with now, four and half years later. People grow up and they grow apart. At eighteen years old, you don’t realize that. So in that conversation, she keeps talking about what a pain weddings are, how she doesn’t want to be in anyone’s wedding and what a hassle it will be if she gets asked. Obviously, she is telling me that I shouldn’t be offended if she doesn’t ask me. The thing is, I didn’t expect to be an attendant in her wedding. Not since she told me she was getting married did I expect to get asked. So I don’t understand why she’s attempting to tell me at all. I’m wondering if I ever gave the impression that I would be hurt, and she did get that impression then she doesn’t know me at all. Five years ago, I would have expected to be in her wedding. But we rarely talk anymore. Time has passed and we have lost our connection as friends. I’m content to be acquaintances. I get the feeling she’s telling other people, “oh it’s going to be so hard to break it to her,” or “oh I don’t know how to tell her she’s not in the wedding.” Why does she think that? Why does she expect my feelings to be hurt? Does she think that when I asked them to be in my wedding, that I anticipated return invitations? You don’t ask someone just because you were in their wedding. My husband says he’s glad he’s not a girl and thinks this is all ridiculous, which it is. But what do say? “I know you’re trying to tell me that I’m not in your wedding, and I don’t care”? I would sound like a pathetic loser. Just like every other situation I don’t know how to handle this, and as always I will sit back and do nothing and wait for her to find the courage to tell me something that I already knew. We are not friends anymore.