Rants on lit. from Guatemala

She says she wants to die

Book: Satiricon, Petronio. I´m still waiting for this book to talk to me, but it seems I cant concentrate on it now.

Music: “oh soledad” from LOdVG. What do you want, I own the cd. So kill me would you. Hahahahahahahaha.

I have to say… first off… that I have drank a liter of wine (here in Gt, it is very cheap) and am on the half of a quart of rum. Don’t blame me. K. J this is surreal. Cool colors… hahahahha (drunken laugh)

k. k. now for some important rant… or blog as they call it. I was supposed to talk about all this deep and cool things… I even recorded it on my dR. But things have came up since dawn.

The fact that not only my teacher wants to die, but Roula too… it’s too much for me… k. What do I look like? One random day, a kid (whom always wants me to purchase stuff from him) said I looked like a priest. I think I come across as a priest… well I haven’t had sex in… like a long time… (I have had sex twice in my life, both were prostitutes) so I might as well be one…

Do they realize what the pressure of it does to me???? I think not. I guess I shouldn’t complain. If I have a chance to help them… I sacrifice my left hand (I play guitar and this is my life, did I mention that?) to save a friend’s life. I swear.

Today Roula asked me an important question… she told me that: Would you be true to me… If I asked you… did you contacted me under another name on the icq… And I said (of course) NO! because I haven’t, this is for real. I haven’t got the foggiest clue as to what kind of weird games someone is playing on her… I have made a pact with myself… not to be untrue to anybody… if you want to know something I would answer… Anything you want… And this game has also been played on me… a few times before… when SL talked to me… another person… also from Guatemala contacted me… wanting to know who I was… and I have the feeling SL was trying to get me to make a mistake on who I was… I hate this games… I have said: Life is a game (more on this latter) but not this cruel kind of game… I guess I cant play as well as I have hoped to.

And I have made myself clear, to anyone that knows me… I mean really knows me… I’m committed to truth… That is the higher cause I pursue on life… that is the only thing that keeps me from going postal on everybody…

And this is not only because I have had some to drink. I really mean it. I really want to help… but the trouble is…

My teacher… don’t believe anything I say… and I think in her own way Roula don’t either. But there is little I can do for them… I haven’t been there… I mean… I have had bad depressions but not as deep as they have… That is the only thing I can do. Be there… as everybody has told me… as I know I have to be… there… and there is the hardest thing to do.

Nobody cares… I have known this for a long time… and the fact that I do care… makes me wonder if… I’m just this monster… looser or what ever… you know…

I do care damn it!!!!! To the point I make myself sick… I mean physically sick from worrying about them… of course I cant tell them this… cause, out of some sort of guilt they would not talk to me anymore… because they would fear I would be hurt. And I have to say… if I have to get hurt… I’m glad… just let me help you god damn it!!!!!!!!! I would prefer dieing on battle than waiting on the side lines.

Right now… I’m just wishing that none of them… lie to me. Cause for this I wouldn’t trust anybody else… ever… I wouldn’t forgive any of them for this…

I have accompanied my teacher to the shrink a couple of times… I have seen her cry… and would have done everything to make her pain go away… but I cant… I just cant… I don’t find the words… or I am just untrained… I’m not a shrink damn it. The closest I come to it… is that I’m something like a priest.

And the worst thing of being a priest (aside from the no sex thing…) is that I do feel empathy… the way the shrinks shy away from transference… is not a luxury we have… hahahahaha…. As always I’m getting to believe my part…

I’m confused now… But as Mariana says: If you are unstable, you can’t help them… and I think she’s right. I have to get a grip for fucks sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I remember… I have to get to thinking… what is the difference between Aleyda and my teacher…


In another thought I have heard nothing from Amalia… And nothing from Mariana… Where are you????

Mariana told me last night: I have to go to the hospital. And me, being this giant fool that I am I asked: Uyyyyy tell me it is nothing serious… and there was no answer…

I have to tell everybody… the world: the worst thing you can do to me is ignore me… I feel like crap.

The title for this rant… is from the Satiricon… I guess it’s talking to me… even if I don’t hear it.