The Personal Chronicles of a Teenage Boy

Fear

First off, I'd like to apologize to my 6 or so consistent readers. I know it's a small club, but I should apologize to the members. I know it's been over a month since I last made an entry (due to reasons which include massive computer failure), so I'm sorry, but I bear additional bad news. I don't intend to quicken the pace much. I will be devoting the majority of my online writing time, which is little to start, to an accompanying novel, tenatively titled The Personal Chronicles of a Teenage Boy: Journal Plus. That title will probably change in the long run, as it's quite a mouthful. Anyway, I once again apologize to my legions of loyal fans, and I'll get to the writing now.

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Fear is quite an interesting subject. Many people are afraid of many things. Some people fear the dark, some fear heights, some fear creatures with more than four legs. And some people fear knowledge.
Everyone is afraid of something. I don't just mean being afraid of the dark or of heights or of creatures with more than four legs, though. I mean that everyone has one thing that they are petrified against. There is one thing that deep down you see and you know you can't control it. You see this one thing and it fills you with such fear that you become angry and whenever anyone even touches on the subject you yell at them verbally and sometimes physically and from anger come pain. That's why some people are afraid of knowledge.
You can't feel fear, and you can't feel anger, and you can't feel pain, if you don't acknowledge your fears. You can take the easy way out, however, and no one will think any worse of you. No one will blame you from hiding your fears. I congratulate you if you can do it....

If you can live with yourself. I can't.

I can't run from my fear because that is my fear. I'm afraid of running away. I'm afraid of being so weak that I have to run away. I'm afraid of lack the strength to defend myself. I'm
afraid of being vulnerable. I'm afraid of running away because that means and I'm weak which means I lack strenght which means I can't defend myself which means I'm vulnerable. And that means I'm sometimes afraid of people, because people sometimes hurt each other, and if I'm defenseless, they can hurt me.
It takes great courage to admit these fears, but I can't run away or I will live them. I realized these fears and I became trapped, unable to escape them. I had the choice of living in fear, in which case there is no point to living at all, or to lower my defenses and let society sink its fangs into my flesh until it crushes my bones in its massive jaws, leaving only a chance that my soul might survive.
I've been taking small steps, trying not to run when conflicts arise. I'm trying not to give into my smaller fears, but my one dark fear still plagues me, as I'm not yet strong enough to face it. I'm gaining strength, but I'm not yet ready for it. I didn't realize it when I created it, but that is why I started this journal. I can interact with people with only a thin layer of anonimity as my defense. Thank you for not destroying me.
I will one day shed this final defense and tred into the world strong. I may survive the journey and I may not, but I've decided once and for all.
I can't run away.