Sarah's Life

More on the Fae

Ok. So. If you read the last post, you got a wiff of how I tend to Manipulate people and not give a damn. Ok, so, here's the thing. I don't give a damn because I never really invest my own feelings. With one exception - Kebeth - but I think that's why I regret hurting him. But that's a whole different story.

I have this thing where I can make people think I am feeling a certain way when I'm really not. For the most part I really don't FEEL anything. It's hard to discribe, but I kind of just paint on the emotions I want people to think I'm feeling, but underneath there's nothing. Or there's pain. Or hatred. Usually a mix of pain and hatred. I lost all trust in humanity when I was in elementary school (over the course of a few years). So I can convice people I care about them, and then use them for information. I have so much stuff stored up in my head about different people that I could blackmail half of my friends in an instant. People just talk to me.

Problem is, starting about 5-7 months ago, I realized I was starting to care about people. With the exception of Kebeth that had never happened up to that point in my life. It all started when I "adopted" my sisters. I really couldn't put the false cover of emotions on, because the three of us have this thing where I could swear we read eachother's minds. They always know what's wrong with me, and I them. And I can't hide my pain from them.

After that, I became better and better friends with someone who is now one of my best friends, and almost a sister to me. She has her issues, but I would never use them against her like I would with others. She's an amazing person who I do really love, in that non-romantic, good-friend kind of way.

And then, 3 months ago, I fell in love with an amazing, wonderful guy. I could never use him like I used the last guy I "fell in love" with. Then again - I wasn't ever really in love with the other. I learned my lesson when I tried it with Kebeth - I can't isolate myself from the people I care about, and eventually everyone realizes there's manipulation going on. So I'm being careful with this one - the second I catch myself trying to fall into my old habits, I stop myself immediatly. I don't want to lose him like I lost Kebeth.

All in all, I think my ways are changing. Oh, sure, I can still find people I don't give a damn about to manipulate to my own amusement. But that's just me. I'm the person that enjoys tormenting the idiotic popular clique so that they start cussing me out, and then I just laugh at them. They've yet to realize that (a) I dont' mind being called a bitch - they don't know me, how could they tell? and (b) Hey - at least I won't be serving up fries at McDonalds for the rest of my life, or being a cashier at some store. I have goals, which, ironically, include a cashier - but I'll be running the store. I am always entertained by the idiocy of others.

Kgirlfae ~ Wanting