what matters and why

nights

5/26/02
7:30am

Nights like last one make me question everything about who I am. it brings back memories that I don't want to remember. I don't know how to act, what to say. It's been so long, and I don't know if I'm supposed be the responsible mother or the person I was five years ago. I always say that I hate the way I was but sometimes I wish I could have a little of that back. Even then, I was still reserved. I don't remember a time when I have been comfortable around a large group of people.

I wish I would have had the courage to initiate conversations with people I haven't seen in years. That's the one thing I regret. I just don't know what to say or how to say it, and a good time never seems to come along. You want it to be perfect, a moment you can remember forever, and it's never there. I waited and I watched and it never came, and then I had this sick feeling all the way home. I'd missed a good chance to make closure, and I passed it up. It would have been really easy to fix old wounds and I wish I could. I wish I had the right things to say to make it better. Not that I could justify my behavior way back when, but I could have said something, anything. I

I've never felt so out of place, so old, so unappreciated. I want to move on and get rid of all the past grievances. Nights like those bring back memories that I don't want. I cannot just preted that I'm happy with the way relationships have turned out. I can't pretend that they've never done anything to hurt me. I watch them there having a good time and all I can think about is all the times that I was hurt. The years went by so quickly, and it didn't take long for me to withdraw. And I don't know why. It's not like I have anything to hide. I don't know if I purposely pushed them away in a attempt to hide unhappiness. That if I let anyone in, they will see right through my every weakness.