what matters and why

money and mom

7/11/02
5:00pm

Right before my junior year of high school, my friend and I decided that we needed some extra money and went out to look for a job. There was a new restaurant going up and and we went to apply for the hostess jobs available. I sat in the other room while she chatted away during her interview, laughing and giggling. We left and a week later, she had already started working, and I had not recieved a phone call. I was devastated. They'd chosen her above me, and I was left feeling like less of a person, especially since I was certain that my work ethic far exceeded hers. I didn't cry very often then, but I did the day I called the supervisor and he let me know that there was not a place for me at the new restaurant. For some reason, she had the personality that they were looking for. I wondered what it was about me that made people want to turn the other way.

Seven years later, I can't stop thinking about that horrible memory. I'm terrified to apply for any kind of job, even something I know I'd be good at. I don't want to step out of this comfort zone and do something new. But I need to, I need a change of pace so badly. I'm not sure if the answer is filling up my schedules with unnecessary activities is the answer. But it sure would help in the money situation. But who wants to hire a twenty three year old married woman with a four year old son who wants to work on thier own schedule? I walk in with my defenses already up, assuming that there will be no position open that I can fit into my time. I don't offer any personal information, I try to pretend that I'm just like any other college student looking for part time work. I always think that I have to be someone I'm not. I have filled out more employment applications in the last week than I ever care to do again. I know I'm not what they are looking for but I do it anyway and I don't know why. I don't want a job that I don't like. I don't want my son to be in day care. I'm not asking my mother to keep him like she did before. How do people ever really know what they want to do? Why does my friend, who had worked at the church for two weeks get offered a position that I'd have happily taken had they asked me, who had been there for almost two years. She didn't take the job and for that I'm glad because I would be reminded all the time of my incompetance. Some people click with certain people. I don't "click" with anyone. I don't have anything to talk about to anyone. So I'm left with three weeks off from school and absolutely nothing to do. I'm terrified because every year at about this time, I fall into some kind of depression and it takes me all of the fall season to pull myself out. And last year, it didn't go away until after Christmas. I wanted to keep myself busy, to do something, anything. But I keep getting the feeling that I'm not wanted anywhere. I wanted extra money so we wouldn't be so stressed out all the time about finances. I wouldn't feel sick to my stomach every time I run my card throuih the machine, even when I'm only buying groceries. The bathing suit that I bought Monday cost sixty dollars and it gave me a headache for the entire day. I renewed my vehicle registration late this year, after receiving a ticket. There was a ten dollar penalty, and I wanted to throw up because I spent ten dollars on a silly mistake. So when I got in the car, I cired. Over that. I think the answer would be something to earn money and keep me busy, but in reality, I know that it's possible that I just may not want to deal with issues that I can't face. Am I really crying about the ten dollars or is it something deeper? Things always get ugly for me in the middle of the summer. He suggested, half joking that I see a psychiatrist since I don't talk to him about anything. How can I not tell him, who knows me the best, who is around all the time, and who I know would support me no matter what was going on. But I can't. It would be admitting failure and I'm not ready to do that. And I don't want to talk, not to him, not to anyone. I don't want to talk about why I think I'm stupid compared to everyone I know. I don't want to think about why when I speak to someone, I can't listen to what they're saying no matter how hard I try. I imagine that they're looking at the imperfections on my face, or seeing doubt in my eyes and wondering what's wrong with me. I think that everyone knows something about life that I don't know. Things they learned in the years I missed. I can't even balance a checkbook, let alone make an entry into the computer on money without screwing things up. What am I going to do if this is it, forever?

It's my brother's birthday. I told my mom I would probably give him a card and call to say happy birthday. I could hear her sigh on the other end of the phone, and I knew she was wondering why I couldn't put the effort into a present. "I don't know what he wants," she said. "I failed in the presents area," She's always saying that, telling me what and when she failed at during my life. What she didn't teach me, what she should have done but didn't. As if I didn't know already. I wonder why a card is not enough when he and his wife did not even acknowledge my birthday this year. Out of character for them but what's so bad about just a card for him? Why is it her business if I get him anything or not? I called her for support, and got disdain. At my son's ice skating presentation, I got the feeling my mom was irritated with me because I didn't know exactly what was going on at every moment. "Where do the kids stay before they get on the ice? Do they stand or sit? Are they watching the figure skaters?" Maybe she was irritated that I didn't ask the teachers more details about what was going on. Whatever it was, I felt awful the rest of the day. She definetely did nothing for my already low self esteem. What do I say? She's my mom and she's supposed to act that way. Sometimes I like her, and sometimes she really annoys me. Seems to me that lately in all her self discovery she has become fearless in speaking her mind, and I don't know if I like this new quality in her. She thinks that she spent the last few decades of her life in a daze and didn't really live at all just went through the motions. I wonder if that's my destiny, if I'm that much like her that I will spend my twenties and thirties regretting my past and creating a new future for myself in my head, thinking about a world where my life is perfect, where I'm thin and have a million friends. A world where I'm not afraid to open up to anyone. Normally I enjoy my family's company, but lately I just want to move a thousand miles away.