I knew this would happen...

try to detach

okay, I started to get too upset for a second there, and I am at work now, so tears are no good. I am on the list to go home if it is slow today, I cannot believe how crappy I look, and this makes me tha much more upset, that the words of such a fool could have such an effect on me.

This is all the more frustrating when I have to realize that I have known all along that this man was to hurt me. And his pathetic reasons, then to call and want to come over, drop off a coffee that I never asked for, leaving it between the doors. Calling last night, well, I can only guess it was him, the phones were forwarded so I only heard a little ring, but I have no interest in setting myself up for abuse from him anymore. I am done with getting up, dusting off and having more shit thrown at me. And these things he said were just mean, and un-necessary therefore all the more mean. HIs family would disown him, not just his parents either-who the fuck cares. We have been working on this relationship for over a year now, and now my having children is a problem. How dare he.

You look at these idiot women who will murder their children for a man, and you know these women are pathetic, vile, disgusting examples of the human race. Then you are put in their shoes and you look forward to a life where you trust someone, you watch your children love and trust that someone, and they tell you that if it weren't for the kids...

My own family has a very low opinion of single mothers. I had to sit at dinner one night and listen to how some single mother of two had trapped my mother's cousin into marriage by getting pregnant. All I could think was... it takes two, she didn't get pregnant alone, but they see her as some sort of a vulture. As far as I can see, if there is a good arrangement with the childrens father, then other than the additional emotional demands that children bring, it is a bonus to get together with a woman with children.

My mother also told me about how her personal trainer was interested in me until he found out that I had two kids. Asked her to please remind him that I have two kids next time he mentions my name.

So what happened this weekend felt more like a nail in the coffin more than anything. A year of loving me, but not really loving me, how could he say that to me if he really loved me? When it comes right down to it, I don't believe he really did.

I am just glad I have the strength. Of course I am hurt and crying, but this is hard to take. I can almost relate to ... what do I mean almost, I am a victim of prejudice and it sucks.