....Title.....

noisserpeD

Sunday um Sept. something 2002

well from the snatches of yelling i can hear from my moms room it seems like their is trouble in the big apple. seems like the oldest daughter of my grandmother has picked another wrong husband or so i assume from what i hear....ah well maybe i'll find out the whole story.

forgive me for not writing on the first day of highschool but i will write about it soon i promise i feel like an idiot not writing on the first day while the experience was still fresh in my mind...but i refuse to regret it (even though i do) because regret is the worst feeling in the world....worse than hatred, happiness, saddness, fear (fear and regret come VERY close)....u see because u cant do anything to change regret.......it hurts the most and is virtually irrechangeable. thats why if u want to do something do it that way u have no reason to regret it afterwards.

my lovely friend tigresseshat has completely abandoned me for the recluses of higschool (i have no idea what recluses means or if it has anything to do with what i'm saying.....if ur reading this and u do please correct me. everytime i call her shes either busy doing h.w. or talking to somebody about a project or sleeping. i called her twice or three times this weekend nobody picked up. my efforts have been fruitless so i wont try anymore. now i know how busy she is because I also have just started highschool but my goodness! to ostracize urself from one of ur good friends! now i know what my friends feel when they say i've left them.

i got so frustrated today while i was trying to practice my piano. i almost started to cry but i held the tears back because my mom's room is right there and she would have seen me. then my friend Jocy called me and I decided that i just wouldnt beable to practice today so i got up and turned off my piano (its a clavinova for all of u wondering how the hell i turned off a piano) and went to my room. then i wanted to go on the internet (i just changed City of Angels soundtrack to Jewel Pieces of You CD i need something i can sing too although u can sing to city of angels but i just felt like jewel. i havent listened to her in a while. i dont like her new album i just like Pieces of YOu in her new one shes more country. shes a poet too.) and jocy still wanted to talk to me so i called her by my moms line and when i went into my moms room to look for her phone shes like who are u talking to? i say Jocy and shes like but u havent finished practicing ur piano...now see heres the thing I cant stand my mom telling me to practice cuz usually when she tells me to then i dont want to and she USUALLLY leaves me alone except for some days.... so when she said that i didnt even attempt to answer her....i just got the phone and walked out. for some reason my mom is really pissing me off. dont ask me why because i dont know why. its like in the morning...its 6:30 in the morning i'm dead tired....i dont feel like talking and my mom decided to start asking me questions about what day it is today (A day or B day....u know block scheduling) and all this stuff its like mom please leave me alone. but i still love her dont get me wrong its just....i dont know. i dont wanna write anymore. the paragraph below me was written in the middle of writing the first paragraph. goodnight.

i need to sleep on the floor tonight, as close as the Earth as possible.......i need to ground myself......let my feelings seep through the covers, the brownish rug (by choice or filth?), through the cement (is there any?) and into the rich soil of the sacred Earth......leaving my soul devoid of feelings inorder for me to fill it with new feelings of hope, pureness, new beginnings and understanding. if not for my Keltic music in the background that has just ended (must find something to replace that calmness)i dont know what i would do.