what matters and why

second one or not?

10/22/02
4:30pm

Just when I think I've got everything all planned out, I begin to doubt my reasons for attempting to organize my life. What is a plan anyway? Who says that all events in one's must go in a certain order. Why should I feel like I'm less of a person if I give up now on school? If I promise myself I will pick it up later, knowing that it will be ten times as hard ten years from now. And what am I doing it for anyway? For me or for everyone else? Should I be motivated by judgement from friends and family, or should I plan on what I want, on what I feel I'm ready for and what I know is best for my family and our own personal benefits. But then there are so many setbacks. There are so many aspects in mylife that I feel are not complete. So many doors I've left open that need closure. Too many issues I haven't dealt with. I still have severe problems with opening up to people, with commuicating and knowing what to say when. I have self esteem problems, days when I just want to cry and lay in bed. Am I really really ready, I wonder. Ready for the responsibility of a whole life that I would be in charge of. Or am I exhausted with the aspect of finishing my degree and this is an easy way out. I don't want that to be a reason. But will I ever be really really ready. When if ever is there a perfect time? I really struggle with where I fit in. With having no one to relate to; I feel alone in a room full of people. So much I need to say, to share and I just can't bring myself to do it. With all that in me, what do I have to offer to another child. Already I am overwhelmed with the one that I have. What right do I have to make another. I'm afraid I'm not good enough, that I wouldn't even make it through the first month without going insane. I need time alone, I enjoy my own company yet I am desperately lonely. I envy the busy mothers with carfulls of children and the lives that they lead but I don't think I would compare to that. I'm afraid I'm just not good enough to do this again. The thought of another pregnancy brings back horrible memories for me. Embarrassment and shame. Trying to hide my belly from curious onlookers who wondered why this iincompetant teenager was having a child. All I can recall about those months is all the overwhelming emotions that I couldn't deal with, trying so hard to keep everything inside, I couldn't tell anyone how scared I was, how unsure about this life I'd chosen. I couldn't turn back and od things over again no matter how much I wanted to. It's been five years and I can't get it out of my head. Sometimes I want to go away. Away from this town and this life. More than anything I want to start over in a place where no one knows me, leave this behind. You'd think that by now, I could deal with things that occured over five years ago. Maybe since I pushed everone close to me away. So when is it ever going to be a good time for me. He's been waiting so patiently for me to be ready for over a year now. I'm so scared to go through that again. On the other hand, all I really want right now is to be a mother, to stay home and do it right. I want to do the fun kid stuff, and I want for my son to have a sibling. I'm ready to be up all night and shop for baby clothes. I know I'm strong enough to get through almost anything that comes my way. I'm not a weak person. However I struggle with who I am and the kind of person I want to be. I feel like everything should be planned out so perfeclty by now, I should be much more organized with what I want in my life and when I want it. I thought I was. The plan was to finish school, teach for a few years and then think about more kids. I thought I had the drive and the motivation to do that. Now I'm questioning the reason behind that motivation. Wouldn't I be just as happy if I had children first and then pursued a career when I've felt like I've given my kids one hundred percent of me and my time. I don't want more kids while in school but don't want to wait until I'm finished either. I'm so young, defenitely not old enough to have a four and half year old. But I'm not the typical twenty three year old mother. I feel like my priorities are in line. I have this wonderful child and an awesome husband who would do anything for us. As time passes, I can sense our marriage growing stronger. It's a little scary to let someone in this deeply, that he knows me better than I do myself terrifies me. We have this great relationship that I'm afraid is almost too perfect. Nothing can be this good, I feel like things should have been more difficult instead of having things handed to me without working for them at all. Two years ago I might have said I would be capable of carrying on without that strong relationship. Now I'm not even sure I could get out the front door without knowing he's there. Recently we've grown up and having done that together has brought us very close. It's that feeling that makes me think I'm ready to have another child. Having his support is enough right now. It's all I think I need to get through those first few months, hard as they may be. If it was just us, I'd be ready. But there's always that nagging feeling in the back of my head, the one that questions if I really want this, questions if I will regret my decision as soon as it's done. How do you know when you are completely ready for this. Lately though it's all that's on my mind and the thought of holding a new tiny baby makes me happy. I wish that expectations for me had never been great, I wonder if I'd grown up average at anything I'd attempted if this would be so hard for me now. I just always thought I'd do something more, experience a little more before living this life. Yet this life I never thought I live makes me incredibly happy. The people I've met through my son are the ones I think I want to spend my time, people I think I could enjoy being with, and that's hard for me. If I could have that and have five kids and never look back and regret that I never did other things first I would be the happiest person ever. But I cannot confidently say that I won't regret enjoying a few more years with just my son as he is. Since we weren't ready for him, does he deserve a few more years of our undivided attention, will he be the one who regrets this. Somehow considereing his adorable persaonlity I doubt that. Every day that passes, I think more about it. I wish that I could go on and not look back. Not think about things that I feel are incomplete. I think that there are peole everywhere who do expereince everything they desire, then settle down and have their children and are still unhappy. I guess it depends on the people involved. In our case, I'm quite certain that we'd be okay. In the long run, it will be a good investment. Is this a decision that we should really make based on our feelings or should there be more planning involved. How much planning can you possibly do for this? Look at how our first unplanned one turned out. Who knows.