Varying Shades of Gray - My Life

10-31-02 Happy Halloween

I sure slept alot the last two days. I guess sedatives will do that to ya, huh? LOL I am a little calmer that I had been. Maybe even a little more composed, you might say.
First of all, since I wasn't online much at all yesterday, I am glad that I got to chat with BOH this morning.:) The times I was on yesterday, he wasn't. And why, I'm not 100% sure, but I was so worried about him. How was he handling the news of JMC? What was he feeling? What was he thinking? What was he doing? Those last two were especially killing me. I won't go into details, I'll just say that I was so f***ing worried about him. At least we did get to chat for a little while morning. He *says* that he's doing okay. I really hope and pray that he is. One really is tearing at me though. I had asked him a semi-specific question and his reply really scares the shit out of me. Not so much his answer but the way he worded it. "Let's just say no." When I seen that my heart actually skipped a beat or three. What EXACTLY did he mean by that? No he hasn't but has thought of it? Or, no as in he hasn't and hasn't thought of it. Or has he and just doesn't want to tell me because he knows that it'd tear me apart if he did. I don't know.
I still haven't seen JC online today.:( I hope that he's sleeping and taking care of himself so that he can beat the pneumonia.
I got a call from JC's cousin, DC. He asked if I was going to come over for the SmackDown! party tonight. Hell, I haven't thought that far ahead. LOL
It might do me some good to be around some friends. At least I wouldn't be alone. But, that would also take away from my time to chat with BOH, too. He'd probably tell me to go and have fun. That's just the way he is. He is a precious angel. When I chat with him this morning he told me that he did get to chat with JC, though. That's good, I think. LOL. (wonders what secrets were told about me) LOL I didn't ask what they talked about or anything. Damn, I should have. LOL Oh well. I hope that they get along. They're both sweet. Yeah we're a four of kind, them, JMC and myself. Hehehe.
I keep trying to tell myself that, now that the shrink knows what it was that's bothering him, now we can help JMC work through it and deal with it, in a constructive manner. I HAVE to keep telling myself that JMC is on the road to recovery and on his way back to us. Yeah, my mood is a little different thatn yesterday. At least I'm thinking a little more clearly today. Well when I don't have remnants of that drug in me. LOL. My next session with JMC and his shrink is tomorrow. So, I have to build up my strength and will for JMC. I cannot let him see me in a state of chaos and disorder. I just have to let him know that I am here for him and that I will never leave his side as long as he needs me.
Well, to anyone who is reading this, I will see you later and I hope that you have a great day.