Varying Shades of Gray - My Life

11-02-02 (Includes a Correction)

First off, let me give thanks to JC. While chatting with him yesterday, he noted an error I made in a previous entry. He reminded me that JMC had heatr-valve replacement surgery in July, NOT August. JC excused me since i was on the sedative when I wrote that. And after talking to JMC's mom, yes, it was July 22. I know i could have just edited that entry but since it had probably already been read by some, I decided to just put this correction here. Besides, isn't that some of kind reference to your character as a person, when you can admit you mistakes? Oh well, whatever.
I did get to see JMC yesterday, but it was not an actual session as I had thought it would be. Instead, we just got to visit with each other. And *that* subject never entered the conversation. Instead we just talked about general topics and his dogs and cats as well as my own. We did discuss his progress briefly. He told me that he wants to hurry up and get better so he can home. I told him that, that is something that cannot be rushed. And instead, to just go at a pace at which he feels comfortable, as that would be best for him. He *seemed* to be okay, although he was still kinda glazed over. But overall, I'd say that he is doing okay.
I also got to chat with BOH for a short while. Damn, I'm still worried about him, too. Yesterday he wasn't in a very cheerful mood. :( I guess *everyone* except him and one other person were invited to a party. As I told him though, that's those people's loss. If they can't see that he is a precious, loving and caring person they they don't DESERVE him. Especially the host of the party, from what I hear. Damn, sometimes I just want to smack people up aside their stupid f**king heads. I know life isn't always fair, it rarely is actually. But, still when someone hurts those that I care about, they hurt me and I take it as a personal attack, also. Stupid f**king idiots, anyway. BOH is one of the sweetest, kindest, most caring people I know. He is just precious. :):):)
We didn't get to chat long long because DC and IV came over and wanted me to get ready so that they could take me out to eat :P . I wasn't really hungry, but as I suspected, they were doing that upon JC's request. He jsut wants them to make sure that I'm doing okay, too. :) We went to my favorite Mexican restaurant. After we ate went back to DC's, (which is actually JC's dad's house. DC is living there since he is away in the service right now. He was called up after 9/11.) They were having their usual Friday night party. Though it was actually smaller than usual. There were only about 16 other guys there. Some were in the saunas, most stayed in the hot tub, though. We listened to music, some played darts, but the highlight was when we all played pool. I only played two games and won both thank God. LOL. You see, they like to play Strip-Pool. How it works, is the loser has to remove an article of clothing for each ball that they have left on the table. No, the boiz aren't shy. LOL, but I am. Hehehe. I must admit though, it IS a very enticing game. ;)
And before you even think it, no, the party does NOT turn into a big orgy. Most of the guys are are in monogomous relationships with one another. It's all in fun. However, there are those who are not and occassioanlly will hook up with one of the others for some *private* time. ;)
I am proud of myself, too. I did have TWO drinks, and that is all. After that I just lost my taste for the alcohol. You see, I admit, I had a big problem with that. I used to drink way too much. I'd average about a quart of vodka and/or rum a day in about 5-6 hours. I know compared to some people, that is not alot. But to me it was. Now, I only have a few drinks a week, if that. And very very rarely do I have more than 4. *IF* I do, it is only with JC and/or a very dear friend who will make sure that I don't overdo it. Those times are usually for a big celebration, or when I really need to relax after a bad week or whatever. Yeah, I admit I *COULD* have drank excessively after this past week. But, JC wouldn't that. JMC wouldn't want that. BOH wouldn't want that. I've been told that I am one of the few people who have had that problem that can actually have a drink now and KNOW when to quit before before I've too much. Some might say that, that is a noble strength. But it's not, really. Not for me anyway. The strentgh is not in me. My strength is derived from JC, JMC and BOH. Why those three, you may ask. I can't answer that. There's just something inside of me when it comes to them. Maybe it's the fear of losing control and destroying myself. How would that affect them? Maybe it's the fear of losing their love and respect. The fear of losing them. :( I don't even want to think about that thought. I don't have ANY idea what I'd do if I lost any of them, much less all of them.
Maybe that's why I'm so protective of them. They're my life. When they're sad, I'm sad. When they're happy, I'm happy. When they're in pain (physical or emotional) so am I.
I know, I sound pretty f**king pathetic, now. Maybe I am. I don't know. Oh well.
I am actually in a pretty decent mood today, though. (laughs) it might have something to do with seeing those cute, naked bodies last night. ;) LOL.
Well, I guess that's all I have to say for now. I hope that you all a great day. :)