what matters and why

one horrible talk

11-25-02
8:30am

The conversation was intended to ease my doubts about this decision. It was intended to bring out things that have bothered me, things that she's said that I believe have further meaning. I truly have always believed that she secretly despises me and is only curteous for family purposes. It's her insescurities, not mine, that cause all these problems, I thought. I was left last night believing that there is something wrong. Maybe I'm the one who needs therapy. Maybe I'm the one who is too sensitive, who tries to place meaning on things that just are and nothing else. She makes me think now that I am irrational. I felt like they were all looking at me waiting for me to say something that made sense, and I couldn't. I could not think of any good reason to confront her anymore. I just wanted to start over, to not say the things I did since everything came out wrong. I can't explain my reasons for the lack of trust in that relationship. And then I start to wonder, when exactly did it start. Was it only a few years ago when they moved in practically next door? Or did it start before that, way back when I was too scared to admit to my own husband that his family was overbearing and that I was about to go insane. The time that she stole from me, and it was never spoken about again. Do I think she got off too easy and am I going to hold that against her for the rest of her life? When can we let those grudges go. I don't think it's normal to hold onto something this long, but normally I wouldn't. Only her. What is it about her that keeps me from speaking up? From speaking my mind the moment she says something that pisses me off? Why do I think that everything that comes out of her mouth has evil intentions, that she's always going to hurt me, no matter what. Is it her negative attitude, her ease at pointing out other's inadequcies with little regard for their feelings. The time that she came over to our new apartment, when we were both working fifty hours a week and living on three hours of sleep a night. She looks at the carpet, makes an ugly face, turns to her mother, and says, "gross". It was a toenail on the floor that she felt the need to point out for everyone to see. And to this day, I cringe when I think of that. I cannot stand that she speaks without thinking, that she feels the need to constantly put people down. I've always thought it was her problem, and now it's turned and I think everyone believes that it's me who has the problem. It's me who can't let go of every little word that she says. It's me who is so skeptical of her. I don't believe that she does anything with good intentions. The time that I'd come home from my job that required me to be there at five in the morning. I was very pregnant, tired, and irratable. There wasn't enough time for myself, and I finally had one hour to nap before my algebra class. I wanted that time, and was so relieved to finally lay down on the bed. Ten minutes in, I was rudely awakened by a knock on the door, which I tried to ignore, but it wouldn't go away. There she stood, claiming that my husband had given her permission to come over and use the computer since hers was broken. That it was important, she couldn't wait, and forget that I needed a nap. In our small apartment, the computer was in our bedroom. There was no privacy, and I left early for my class, hating her more than ever. I couldn't tell him then. He didn't understand families who didn't openly welcome other members into their home whenever they pleased. It was acceptable to drop everything you were doing for a family member, even if it was something that could wait. I was so angry then, angry all the time. When we moved into the new two bedroom apartment, his family was there, every day when I would come home from work. Every day I had to share my space, my privacy with people I didn't even like. The time when I was on maternity leave, and she would ask for favors from me, since I was at home doing "nothing". I would do it, afraid to make him mad, and I would hate even more every time. Five years later, she wants a relationship with me. She desperately needs me to be able to trust. She needs help as her and her family struggle to make ends meet. And I cannot let go of the past. I want to scream at her sometimes. I want to say, don't you know what you've done and the fact that she doens't get it pisses me off. I know that she knows she exaggerates her stories in an attempt to make someone look bad. But when I bring it up, I say all the wrong things and it ends up that I look like I am some picky little bitch who is simply waiting for her to make the wrong move so I can point it out. Last night was supposed to resolve this conflict, and that's not what happened at all. I'm left here, thinking that maybe I should call a therapist. Maybe I need someone to talk to about my trust issues. Do I think that everyone is out to get me or is it just her? I pride myself in the fact that I am a laid back person, that most things just roll off my shoulders. But if that is true, why am I holding grudges for five and a half years?