what matters and why

school

12/12/02

The semester finally ends, and I am still intact. With only two classes this fall, I actually spent considerably less time on school work than in the past. It's different now though. All I seem to want now is to be here for my son, to havea relaxed life where he and I can share this special time, and the degree is becoming less and less of a priority. I'm not sure I have it in me to put in the rest of the time this requires. At least not now. And I hate that about myself right now. Where is the motivation I had to do this one year ago? Had I known motivation for schoolwork dissappears at twenty three I would have made an attempt to finish sooner. Now, all I see is years of work ahead of me. Years of classes that I don't care about. Working toward a goal that I'm not sure I want anymore. And spending well earned money for that. There are days when I wonder if I will turn eighty and not have a college education. And would I care? What would it matter? I dropped a class this semester, something I haven't done in four years. It was too hard, and I just didn't have what it was requiring of me. It makes me a little sad to think that I've lost the passion for the challenge that a difficult course brings. It's something that I really liked about me, and I don't want to not have that. But what would be wrong with channeling that energy into other areas? I wonder if I have more children now, if I will always regret not finishing when I have the chance. Or if I do finish now will I feel guilty for taking that time that college requires away from my son?