Once Upon A Shadow, Deep Inside A Dream

Trapped 9-27-02

TRAPPED

By Jul Lee Ann

I know I should be smiling right now, I know I should be glad.
I know I should be laughing out loud, I know I should have glee.
I know I should be happy I’m alive, I know I shouldn’t be mad.
I know I should run the streets with joy, I know I shouldn’t be longing to flee.

I know you are watching me, waiting to see what I do, choosing your actions based on mine.
I know you are honoring me right now, impressed with my wisdom and strength, feeding off my faith and actions.
I know that I disappointed you today when I couldn’t meet your gaze; I couldn’t pretend all was fine.
I know you are lying for me, telling everyone that I am doing well, watching for wrong reactions.

I am trapped, here in this life of mine, trapped in the bowels of despair and self-pity.
I am trapped, alone in my sorrow and my pain, trapped in the sunlight cold upon my skin.
I am trapped, and I know there is no escape, trapped in the harshness of reality.
I am trapped, my life bleeding away slowly, trapped in a spiral of doubt, in sin.

If I have to spend another day in this place, if I have to be false one more time,
If I have to worry about my friends and family, if I have to show loyalty to the unfaithful,
If I have to shoulder any more weight on my own, if I have to pay for anymore crimes,
I don’t think I could stand it any longer, it deeply pains my solitary soul.

I watch everyone overcoming and moving forward, pressing on, helping and loving.
I watch from my place outside, through a window, feeling the cold draft of failure and loneliness.
I watch as I cry, the tears slipping from my eyes, my flesh burning, my lips moving.
I watch as I plea, beg for acceptance, seeking friends in a world of coldness.

I am trapped, here in this life of mine, trapped in the bowels of despair and self-pity.
I am trapped, alone in my sorrow and my pain, trapped in the sunlight cold upon my skin.
I am trapped, and I know there is no escape, trapped in the harshness of reality.
I am trapped, my life bleeding away slowly, trapped in a spiral of doubt, in sin.

I do not believe he loves me, this man of mine, I do not believe he needs me, I do not believe in him at all.
I do not believe in hope, I do not believe in deliverance, I do not believe in shining redemption.
I believe there is a path to freedom but I do not walk it, I once walked a high road but that was before my fall.
I believe there is enough fight left for me to win, I believe I could battle but I have not the gumption.

I cry out and no one answers me, I wonder if anyone hears me, I wonder if anyone cares for me.
I cry out and huddle in fear as the echo touches my solitary confinement and returns the cry to my ears.
I cry out, dreaming of a friendly shadow falling upon my form, realizing the emptiness inside me.
I cry out, losing my sanity, locking myself away; I cry out as the darkness realizes my fears.

I am trapped, here in this life of mine, trapped in the bowels of despair and self-pity.
I am trapped, alone in my sorrow and my pain, trapped in the sunlight cold upon my skin.
I am trapped, and I know there is no escape, trapped in the harshness of reality.
I am trapped, my life bleeding away slowly, trapped in a spiral of doubt, in sin.

If you can hear me, if you see my plight, if you understand what I seek, if you realize what I’ve lost,
I ask that you turn from me, that you run as far and fast as you can, that you don’t feel sorry for me.
If you can see me, if you feel my fright, if you comprehend what I’ve done, if you value the cost,
I ask that you understand I am lost, that you grasp I am trapped, that you realize I can’t be free.