Falling Shower Of Stars

The Drugs Don't Work, They Just Make You Worse...

Well, what a load of changes. Ups and downs, does it ever change?
Managed to completely destroy any chance of making up wth my friend as I'm now with her ex. I don't care, we're good together, it should have always been me anyway... Everybody says so. Oh well, whatever. What's done is done. We have a laugh, I like him, he likes me, all is good. Or at least it should be. I still feel crap. I don't know why.
So I toddled off back to the doctor (6th time) and finally got him to back down and give me some pills. Didn't tell me what they were, but I'm not stupid, I found out anyway. Prozac. Yup, prozac. But they didn't work. They made me sick. Very sick. So sick, I couldn't do anything but lie down and cry. Not exactly what they're meant to do.
I remember the last day I was on it. The 17th. 9 days ago. I went into school as usual, but instead of feeling ill, I was ill. I couldn't do anything at all. My year head took me off lessons, and I spent the morning in the common room crying my eyes out. I couldn't do anything else, I felt so helpless. Then at lunch I had an argument with my ex-friend. Not great, ended up with them pushing me into a corner so I hit them and walked off. Fine, or so I thought. Next thing I know, the dep head is threatening to send me home and demanding contact numbers. I stood my ground and didn't give any, but she rang my dad anyway...
My best friend was outside, and as soon as the dep head went out to do something, I rang her and told her to come in, which she did. She said she didn't care if she got suspended, she was not leaving me. I don't blame her, at this point I was in a bit of a state.
My year head comes in and starts asking all these questions, like am I on prozac. Looks like my chem teacher blabbed, she was the only one who knew that. I guess they were all going to find out sooner all later. I just didn't want them to know, it was my problem, you know? Too late now.
My grandparents came to pick me up and I freaked. I made up some excuse about my bag being in the common room and legged it. I was not staying there, I had to get out. I saw my best friend in the year head's office, grabbed her by the hand and told her we were leaving. Of course it never got to that, I was stopped by my form tutor, she's great, who took me into her office to calm me down. It was ok, I did calm down eventually. I'm just so used to doing things on my own, I don't really open up to my family about anything.
We agreed that my grandparents would go home, and I'd go with my best friend and year head when I felt a bit better. And that's what we did. I have never been more thankful to have such a fantastic best friend, I don't know how I deserve her.
I managed to get to the doctors as well, without questions being asked. Saw a different doctor, and the first thing she told me to do was ditch the prozac. So I have. And feel so much better.
I thought it would stop there. But no. My dad said that the dep head had asked him to go in for a talk. I didn't know what she could possibly want to talk to him about, as far as I was concerned it was over. So I stormed into school the next day and asked her. Seems she wants to discuss my health issues. Yeah, sure, maybe my parents should know about it, but I think it's up to me to tell them, not some interfering teacher. I was not impressed. I told her she would do no such thing, and that she has no right cos I'm 18. She said she did, but I know she's wrong.
I spent that day looking up information and ringing people. I confronted at the end of the day with two friends as witnesses. We didn't get anywhere, she's completely unreasonable, but I think I scared her enough by telling her I was going to sue her. I've got a temper, I'll admit it. I'm a lot stronger these days, yeah, it could get me into trouble, but I don't care. At least I'm not being trampled on.
I haven't heard from her since. I think she's scared. Doesn't matter though, the damage is done. The stress of the whole situation caused one of my friends to miscarry. I feel responsible in a way, and it's so sad. I know it's not my fault, I know it, but how am I meant to feel?