When I Die

Valentine's Days And Love Songs

Hmmm... so it's valentine's day again...

Happy Valentine's Day To Everyone!

May the angel of love visit you all and stick love arrows in your butt, and may you find true love and live happily ever after. I mean it!

Oh, and you're never too young to fall in love... so for those people out there who read this idiot's journal and aren't in the teens and the power twenties and the hectic thirties and the lazy forties, may you fall in love too!

Hehe, now maybe if Cupid decides to resign from his job, I'd take his place... I'd love to see people with their hearts pumped to the brim with pure red flaming love!


Geez, there I go again... the slimy old character of my true self showing up, and dripping out sarcasm after sarcasm... Sorry... but an empty heart isn't exactly the world's best preacher of love...

Thing is, that today I'll go out into the same old sun, to the same old college, and come back, all the way watching people hugging and kissing and saying wonderful nothings... and hearts losing and hearts winning, and roses perfuming and their thorns stinging... and in the night, people doing all those stupid things that they show in movies... the whole serenading thingy...

Begins talking to himself : Hey buddy, those things they show in movies don't come true... there ain't no thing called love, and there ain't no thing like the proverbial 'love and first sight and smooches and dreams and flames and candles and happily ever after romances...'

And what they tell us ain't so true... so you can't really have what you want, and you almost never can have the one thing you need... love included... and dreams don't come true, and wishes are never granted, and you can't live out your fantasies unless your Papa's got ten billion dollars in his vault....

Drat! money crept into this one too... Damn, I've become a pesky money-minded jerk. Where the hell is the time when I thought you could make your dreams come true?


I'm angry. Damned angry. Well, and I'm damned too.

Geez! I've got to stop this weird habit. I've got to stop trying to sound funny when I don't want to. It's a terrible thing, this so called 'sense of humor' [which I know I don't have, but still my darned brain tries]... it's a big fat mask. It's helpful in front of my mom and dad, but it's like, when I want to cry all alone, I'll think of something funny [mostly myself, funny in a pathetic sort of way] and cry and laugh and laugh again, and then of course, cry.

So yesterday I walked down the same path on which the bomb had blown. And it all came back. The whole scene... I saw it... it was happening again... I ran to the college. They've patched up the road there... of course, the souls that were scarred, they can't patch them up.... they can't patch them up, not ever.

Enough stupid whining anyway, I'm sick of my own thoughts... now that's a first... how can you help a man who hates his own mind?

[later, in the night]
I went to college, and by evening, the students were all literally begging me to go to the valentine's day party they'd set up and sing. And since all my other musical chums had agreed, I went. The party was at a club, the big hall decorated with generous amounts pinks and whites. I wonder why they think I can sing? I think they've all got ruptured eardrums. I don't know how else I can explain them mistaking my chimpy screams for melodies

There were almost two hundred people out there, that's a hundred couples, all gathered in one place to celebrate this day of love. So I sang, guitar in hand, my chums behind me, playing drums and piano and saxophone and bass and guitar and violin and flute. I sang all those goofy love songs. And I'll tell you one thing : goofy songs don't seem so goofy when you're singing them!!!

I haven't sung on a stage in a long long time.... So I began real slow, letting my guitar do most of the work, and of course, Sammy on the saxophone meant we'd got some serious mush in the hall. And yeah, the atmosphere got pretty pretty sentimental after some time. [I could have said 'romantic', but I haven't really been in a 'romantic' situation before, so I don't really know ]

So I went slower, and slower, churning out one slobby love song after another, and watching them dance, and dance, and dance, and for a moment, I thought 'Man! This is life! They're so damned Happy!' and then, three hours of singing later, jealousy struck.

I was thinking 'What have they done to deserve such happiness? And what have I done not to?' And then the night fizzed off. I crooned for an hour more, I think, and then quitely, I left the club, ignoring their calls to join 'em and have a good time.

Jealousy. I hate it.
[/night]


[Update]

Yeehaw!!! GOD visited my port!!! And she gave me an official symbol, which confirms the fact that I'm a bad poet!!! She gave my 'bad poetry' folder an awardicon!!! Haha, even the Gods know I suck!!!

Ha, but really, in that bad poetry folder lies my best work. I'm proud of the work in there. I consider those to be my real gems!!! Accomplished works of art... um... oceans on words.... um.... masterpeices of the literary arts... um... okay, they're crap. But the BEST crap I've ever done!!!

And I love to do crap!!!

Hmmm, PITA!!! I'm counting the days till the next round of the Anti-Slam Smackdown!!! I'll let you in on a little secret: The day after the fact sunk in my head that the contest was really really over, I was irritable, and rude, and waspy with everyone in real life... and all that I saw before my eyes, was piles upon piles of mucous and leech-pies... [and the leech-pie is copyrighted... nobody dare try copying my recipe!]
[and you guys will only know about the mucous as well as the leech-pies, along with all those hairy, scaly legs, and birds that pee on your head etc etc if you read the poetry in that Wonderful [read : Disgusting] Folder

Anyways, she also reviewed a LOT of things in my port... and now I can give away the awardicon I was talking 'bout! only this time, I'll give it to a black case... they say I'm always partial to gold and blue cases... don't you see? I'm not!!!

how can a chimpanzee be choosey about human beings? oh.. okay, I'm only choosey about one person... my owner!!! Kali!!! I arse... eeks, I mean I arst [I mean, 'I am' ] thou pet chimp!

update over,

oh, and Talmerinder, did the 14th Feb thing work out? If it did [I'm hoping it did] , congrats!!!

And according to some resourceful people here, I am

1] Twisted [StoryMaster... No, really!]
2] Sick [Belle]
3] Hilariously Funny [Imagine!! Someone thinks I am!!! Yeehaw!!! this one's by Belle again]
4] Full of mucous [the words of 'the chimp', as told to Panchamk]
5] Full of Smileys [anonymous]
6] A Goofball [Katya]
7] One of the Ten Worst Souls He's Met [Talmerinder... hey, I'm not angry at ya Tal! I'm just trying to make it sound funny, and am obviously failing to do so ]

Oh, and Ambie, you asked about the nickname thingy... well, call me anything you like... what's in a name anyway?

Update really over.

Kali, I love you!!! You know why!
[/update]

When You're Surrounded By Guilt And Fears,
A Fallen Angel Can See Your Tears

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"Time had a beginning, and therefore,
logically, it will have an end.
We weren't there when time began.
Nor will we be there to witness its end."
---- Stephen Hawkings

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