trapped in a soap opera

slowly but surely fucking myself

just a little disclaimer from this morning/last nights entry--normally i have no problem with confusing relationships with friends and fuck buddies--whatever i name it as is what it stays. the main problem with perk and i is that it is neither of the two. we tried to define it in another way and it has just morphed into this for me. hes my best friend/lover/companion. i dont even want to think about how lonely life is going to be like without him. dont get me wrong i can dull the pain and separate myself from him after he leaves, but i dont want to..i want to keep him. its going to be really hard to separate myself without losing touch which i promised i wouldnt do. its going to be a long time until we can do anything about this and i cant ask him to hold out for me, and im not sure i can get over him not being here and hold out for him too. its just a contradiction. i have to pretend like he doesnt exist to get used to him not being here--close off any emotion having to do with him, in order to be able to go on when hes gone...how can i keep on loving him and still do that. ok why am i stressing about this its not even a point its stupid goddammit. its not going to happen. this is such a fucked up mess, why did i have to go and fall in love with him??? maybe it was because hes such an amazing person, or how perfectly comfortable it is just to lay in his arms, dammit im getting all sappy again--im going ot shut up now.


ok on to other things, im slowly but surely fucking myself in school--just now getting my stuff done for my speech that is due today (ok when i finish this anyway) it is currently noon and i have to give this stupid thing at 2. i havent been to calculus since the test on friday didnt go the wed before either when we started 5.3 (which wasnt on the test) so that means ive missed everything weve learned since the test so far. dammit, dammit, dammit! i almost missed my psych test today, i dint study and missed 1 1/2 out of 3 chapters lecture... i think i did ok but my A has probably dropped to a B at least. its so stupid i had all these A's and now theyre all steadily dropping. i wont fail anything (except acting maybe if i dont study cause i have to take the midterm and final at the same time--and she doesnt lecture its all shit ive never heard before) but its just frustrating to knwo that i'm getting those grades just cause i was lazy. anyway its also frustrating cause right now all i can think of is perk...i just need to focus dammit. i want to hear his voice, but his phone isnt on or is dead. oh well got ot get to work.