trapped in a soap opera

slowly going crazy

ok this is rediculous--ive had like 4 cigarettes since last night. i ran out of money---chose liquor and gas over cigs. so im really feemin here despite the nicotine patch i have on (leftover from one of the times i decided i was going to quit smoking) this line that someone told me about their dad that smoked for like 40 years and then just quit one day keeps popping up in my head "i hated the thought that something had that much control over me" it popped into my head after i was going to "borrow" 3 bucks from mom to get a pack (i get paid as soon as i bother to get up in the morning) this really sucks. ive entertained thoughts of quitting last night and today...but in reality i know it wouldnt work cause i dont want to. now we wont mention the fact that i need to--i cant sing worth a shit anymore, im developing the "smoker's cough", my 5 yr old told me the other day that when he was a grownup he was going ot smoke. all of these things--but i really dont want to quit. i need cigarettes. my life is a stressfull mess and i dont knwo what id do otherwise. besides im pretty much an alcoholic, and everyone knows that drinking=smoking. i cant smoke weed, so that leaves my old vice--sex. ok not going there and doing that again. rather die from lung cancer than from some weirdo disease. besides its kinda hard to explain to random strangers that the only time you are on your period (for the most part) is when youre having sex. that birth control shot fucked me up so once im penetrated i start bleeding and it usually lasts till the next day. it really sucks--kinda like double birth control--cause it keeps me from getting pregnant but most of the timeit keeps me from having sex too. Perk is used to it having dealt with it for about 3 or 4 mos now--and gary can be persuaded sometimes but the occasional hook-up is out. anyway i dotn knwo what to do. speaking of perk i need ot call him and see how things are going for him. be back later with more ramblings since no one is online at all