trapped in a soap opera

just tired really

that pretty much sums up the past few days, yeah i did have some fun this weekend, but really im just tired of everyone. was reading my last entries to see where i left off. well not going to try to catch up since then. pretty much worked then was off all weekend and had plans--but most everyone assed out on me (imagine that) had a lil bit of fun today. went to jennie and sammys house for a lil bit (one of my exes sister and bro in law) talked to them drank a beer or two just pretty much sat around a did nothing. found out that my ex was purposefully an ass to me (which truthfully i dont remember) he used to go tell jeannie "watch this" then come do something mean then be like "i can do anything and she'll be back tomorrow" like i said i really dont remember this--i think it was after we started splitting up for the most part (after i cheated on him) but either way i was pretty fucked up at the time i let people walk all over me.

oh yeah who am i kidding i still do that. mostly cause i dont have many friends in the first place--so they can pretty much get away with anything. im pretty pathetic.

i think the whole thing with gary is drifting apart--we still talk but we dont hang out much anymore--he hangs out with his friends pretty much. we havent had sex in weeks i think the whole blood thing freaked him out (even though its not very much). oh well, i guess im done with my playtoy. i wish i didnt like having ppl around so much or id just be done with all men for right now. im sick of being treated like shit, lied to, passed over, and whatever else. and people wonder why im so jaded--even the guys that seem really great do that shit--maybe i ought to just date guys that seem like assholes--oh wait that was gary. though we did have fun together--maybe thats because im just about as much of an ass as any of them are. i generally try not to lie, but it happens sometimes. pretty much i just treat them like i figure theyll treat me. i guess if i can ever find one (like perk) that can put up with it and still love me then maybe i ought to keep him--got that in perk right now but neither of us is ready. if its meant to work out it will.

smoke break....

i had something to write about now i just forgot what it was dammit. oh yeah. went out sat night to the moose and goob and timmy (my first ever fuck buddy) were there. timmy was tryin to get laid so he actually danced with me (ok so we dont exatly speak to each other much anymore) i danced with goob a few times. had fun with him. dont think hes someone i would date but would be fun to hang out with. when we were leaving timmy was trying to get me to go home with either of them LOL. oh well i went home by myself. goob asked me to go ride his motorcycle with him today, but cause i thought that twana and i were going to drink some beer and ride 4 wheelers at the creek i said no. well she assed out on me so eventually after i left sammy and jeannie's i found him in town and he took me for a ride. i really miss riding motorcycles (ok so riding on the back of one anyway) i had a lot of fun. we sat around and talked shit about timmy. i was telling michael paul about last night and about how we dont talk--he said timmy got pissed at me the first night i was back in town and ran into them cause i went and talked to michael paul first instead of him. men and their egos. i knew what he would want to talk about anyway--just decided to talk to him at the end to fuck with him and find out. of course i was right. hell it never worked for either of us (we all know about my "act of congress" problem and timmy always drank too much so he never ever got off either) we always kept trying but god only knows why. well im over all that now, i know he wouldnt deal with my "problem" anyway. hell if i was going to sleep with any of them itd be goob, but that isnt happening. hes not that bad looking really just a lil bit of a belly going--but i got enough belly in perk--perk only gets it cause hes good and hes my best friend. one of the few ppl that i let the personality outwiegh the looks. anyway its 3:30 so i guess im going to bed now--even though i dont ahve to be up in the morning. later