what matters and why

miscarriage

6/10/03
early morning

It's the oh I'm sorry thing that bothers me so much. It's wondering whether thery're thinking it was something I brought on myslef I drank too much early on or I still participated in the intense workouts as usual. Why God would put me through this ironic situation I don't know. How funny that this perfect child is given to me at the age of eighteen when I was anything but ready. And then, almost six years later, financially and emotionally secure, sure that this is what we want and we decide we're ready, it's not possible. So why this and why now? Miscarriage is not something that ever crossed my mind. I was certain that there was going to be a baby in January whether I was ready or not. So why take it away? To make me stronger? To appreciate my own son more than I already do? Maybe there is not enough love for one more. Is this all I have to give? This intense guilt I feel is unbearable. Not even guilt for something I could have done to prevent this loss, but guilt for feeling nothing. There was no attachment, nothing. When the news was official, I was almost relieved that it's what it was. Beside the fact that I can't stand other people's sympathy for this loss, I am not affected in any way. Shouldn't I be? Shouldn't I be devastated, crushed by this. Instead there is only relief. Should I feel guilt for that,,maybe it was not time. Someone knew that I was not ready for this. But if not antoher child what am I supposed to do with my life? The one thing I can do is raise children. What else? What now? College courses which I despise and can't afford. A job which to me would be meaningless since I have no drive to do anything important. What do I want? What am I supposed to do with this life? The guilt I do feel comes from the priveleges I have in this life. Maybe I've been given too much too soon. I'm not ready for this. Is it a challenge that I'm looking for, obviously not more children not yet. What is it then that I am meant to do? I mentioned to my husband the possibility that I cannot have children and that our five year old is some miracle. It was a lame attempt to lessen the emotions of the situation. He has dealt with it and so have I. But for me, it's selfish. I'm not so tied down, my options are a little more open. But do I really want those options to be open? I guess time will tell.