trapped in a soap opera

so much and so little

im amazed at myself sometimes. really. if it wasn't for this fucked up birth control problem i probably wouldve slid back into the person i used to be tonight. I am beginning to think that theres a reason that this shit is going on--without it id still be a fuckin slut. Ok so thats a little harsh, some of it was just cause i liked to have sex, but sometimes id just be hangin out with a guy for no reason and be like "why not? i dont have anything else to do" thats kinda the way it was tonight--travis is gorgeous, but he strikes me as the player type. we went over to his friends house to watch movies, but he coudnt figure otu how to make all the equiptment work together so we ended up sitting there. i kinda sat to the side for a while, he kept trying to get me to come lay down with him. i wanted to, cause i love cuddling people, but i knew thats not what he was going for, and didnt want to be teasing him cause then id feel bad. eventually i did end up laying with him. it was ok for a while but got him all worked up. now to be fair, i was pretty straight with him, he kept telling me that i was scared--i told him that no i wasnt i just dont do things for the hell of it anymore, i only have sex when i really want to with someone, and i wasnt sure i wanted to with him. anyway i shouldnt have laid there with him, but i was being selfish cause its really been few and far between lately. i mean, i can fuck myself, but its the kissing and cuddling i miss. i cant do that with myself. anyway i guess it ended kinda badly. guys tend to tease themselves, then take it out on me, i was just kinda laying there, not really even touching him that much (sexually anyway wasnt caressing etc). i kinda finally said (cause i had mentioned how guys do that earlier) you know youre just teasing yourself dont you. hes like ok then ill stop. and it just kinda ended on a bad note--not too bad but still i feel bad about it now. i never should have went in the first place, and i knew that, cause i know guys well enoug to know thats what he wanted. im not stupid. i guess well see when i have to work with him on wednesday (oh yeah did i mention that he works with me) i have the guy everyone wants trying to fuck me, but i just kept laying there going why am i doing this. hell last night i stayed up and talked to him till 6am. but hes one of those guys that just when he says something that makes you think that hes really a good guy, the next minute hell say or do something that just makes you wonder whether he is or not.
over time ive pretty much learned to trust my instincs, and they just werent saying go for it. he would be a fun playtoy though. i just hope hes not going to be an ass on wed. i dont know what else to say about that really.

on to the next one--jeremiah--zachs twin. stayed up the other night talking to him. hes really pretty cool. not quite the man that zach is, kinda still a lil crazier, but i dont know about all that. he has a girlfriend though--but he keeps talking about breaking up with her--he just never can make up his mind for sure. i dont know if i would go for that or not--or even if id have a chance to. im so tired of all these men really. i just want to find a good one for once, but not sure if i would know it if i found one, and if i could let myself love again. oh hell got to find one that likes me first.

everyone is hooking up--when i started hanging out at the twins--jeremiah was the only one with a girlfriend. now zach has one, goob has been talking to this girl and hanging out with her a lot, and even CB has been hanging out with mary. to top it all off i talked to perk tonight and found out that he slept with amy (a girl i work with) twice last week. he said that she kinda got scary though (getting too attached and stuff) so hes not going to anymore.. that really doesnt bother me though. it would have a few months ago,,,but i dont see him or spend time with him a lot anymore. but anyway the main reason he wanted to talk to me is that theres a girl that he works with that likes him, that he really likes and he thinks maybe hes going to date her. exclusively--which means no more sex, cuddling, or kissing for me. im happy for him if shes as good for him as he thinks she will be. i mean just that hes talking about that with her, theres never been anyone hes ever considered dating except me since i met him. im not that upset about that either, if hes happy ill be happy for him. i will miss the above three things that i only got from him though. even though i dont see him much its still about to get a whole lot lonelier for me.

oh well on all of it, its all kinda depressing, but i guess well just see how it goes. theres been a whole lot more little stuff happen, but i think ive said enough for tonight/this morning ive got to work tomorrow so i need ot get to sleep.