Life as we know it sucks

You've missed so much

Current Mood: tired

Current Music: listening to the Skintimate commercial

I can't believe it's gonna be 4 months tomorrow. This is so incredible. It feels like I've been with him longer, but then again, not. I feel like I've never known someone so well. Shane - I know him like the back of my hand. Of course I don't really know the back of my hand but I guess it's just an expression.

I feel like we both know each other better than anything. Like we've known each other our whole lives instead of only a few months. Don't get me wrong or anything, 4 months is great, but I still feel like he'll get over me soon.

I truly believe I never loved Matt; that the only other person I've loved was Jacob. But I still got over that one relatively quickly. Only because I had Shane to fall back on. Shane, the one, Donny Weber, my actual soulmate. I don't know how I ever saw Jacob as my soulmate. He does so many things with which I disagree. Ah, who knows?

I was crazy and naive then. Now, I'm disillusioned and irrational. I do too many stupid things and think too many bad thoughts and crave too many ungodly things. Life gets me down even when I am happy. Yes, I am quite satisfied with what I have, but something is troubling me.

On the ride home from Shane's, I started saying something about my daddy. And then I grew silent and began thinking. Thinking how stupid I am all the time. and especially just a few months before he died. Just a few weeks before he died, I'd gone to camp, I'd had an adventure, I'd told him all about it, and yet . . . I still hated him for how unfairly he treated me one night, accusing me of sneaking around, like my brother. He figured I'd be just like him. I NEVER want to be like him and that's what pissed me off is that I wasn't trusted by the only person in this family I can stand.

And then he's gone. And he misses everything in my life that was ever important to me. Braces, Matt, high school, Jacob, I.V., camp, Shane, braces taken off, learners, license, punk phase, moving into my new room, Offspring fetish, Donny Weber, depression, cutting, chucks, 9th grade formal . . . And things he's yet to miss: prom, graduation, college, culinary arts, my first job, my first car, moving out, living with Shane . . . I mean, who will give me away at the altar when I marry Shane? WHO!? No one from my family. My daddy is supposed to. Not some uncle or brother or cousin. MY DADDY!

countdown: 15,398

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but i threw you the obvious,
just to see if there's more behind you.
eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy
but i see,
see through it all.
see through, see you