Journal

fragile teen ego

today started out hecktic, monica called panicked saying that her car had a flat tire and she needed me to come w/ kellie to pick her up. Kellie just started picking alicia up in the morning along with me, so she was already a bit late and we had to go get monica who was stranded at a gas station 5 miles away. Have you ever been in a car with 4 teenage girls who just got done getting dressed? If you have one thing stick out; the smell. Four different perfumes, in a heated car. Hair spray, gel whatever.
School was ok, not really memorable, kel,al and i went to al's new house for a change, it was pretty small and dark. Never the less (is that supposed to be one word or what?) we had a blast. In third our my english teacher (Mrs. Peterson) spent the first part of the class talking about her dogs and daughter. The rest she talked about poems. She was almost insanely passionate about it. Some people think that it's funny and weird but i think it's cool; better then drowning on and on about something that you don't really care about. I firmly believe that when teachers love what they do, students learn better.
In our state we have a standardized test called AIMs. It's really dumb and in High school we have to take it every year until we pass it. Today I got my results back, I apperently excede the standard for reading and math (I'm shocked about math, I think i'm horrible at it...) in writing i meet the stadard! what?! i think they might have gotten the math and writitng scores mixed up, but maybe i'm wrong. At least i don't have to take it again.
I went to taco hell today after school w/ kel and monica, i think that this has been the first time since i've been in to eat since i was fired. Everyone was there. It really sucked and they all glared at me. What did I do?! Being fired really hurt my fragile teen ego. I honestly don't know what I did wrong. But I wasn't happy at all so I suppose I should be grateful. Monica started giving me all this crap when I mentioned it, like she is so much better then me! Right ok, no. She also started hinting that I was wrong about dee, she worded it "so you are mad at her for not telling you a private personal secret?" NO!!!!!!!!!!! (am i?) I don't even know anymore, I just know that i am glad no longer worry about her, i no longer feel neglected and used. wow. I no longer feel neglected and used. woa. break through.
what else is there to say?? hummmm, zach has a preppy tanacholic girlfriend. yeah, he's the guy i like at the moment. um, my new name sign in sign language is a "j" on the left palm. i drew purple dots on my left hand and everyone seriously freaked out. they wouldn't drop it, i used to always do it, it's not new, they think i'm going crazy or i'm attention hungry. i'm not, i just got bored in 1st hour. ok i'm babling. this isn't good. i should go talk to someone.

alright, i feel like adding something, this is new, an add on, today is now the 27th. last night after i wrote this i was fine for a while, later that night while i was looking for my floss i came a cross a card that i had bought dee a year ago and a bulgarian sign language card that she had bought me. I decided to write her a note, it was very jumbled, something between an apology and explentation with a little bit of our history. why can't i just get over this!?! nothing can be how it used to be? but can we still be friends after all was said? i don't have the connection i had with her with any other person. i am not lesbian, i hate feeling like i have to say it. when you say you love someone that isn't part of your family you always have to explain. i shouldn't have to. not in my own freaking dairy. oh well. this will sort out eventually...............