Personal Journal

Addendum

So continuing, this is the thing:
I’m at work. There might be 5 people in here right now, including security guards.
And this is empowered as I think I feel, after having my fight with Jean.

This is THE thing that I don’t know about life.

Am I something, or am I dictated so much by the environmental factors that surround me at any given time that the only way I can BE me is to be alone, in isolation.

Am I me when I’m with Jean?
Honestly, I don’t know.
I’m me now.
I sit in this room and I don’t remember, or don’t seem to be sure about, what and who I am.
Am I myself when I’m with someone else.
Am I only myself when I’m alone.

I feel the absence of the pressure to compromise right now. I feel the absence.
That is to say that I don’t notice the pressure to compromise when I’m around others. I just do it.
That to me is life’s fundamental insidiousnous, at least in how I live. That is why my brain strives at nothing more than it strives to get to a place where it doesn’t find itself conscious of itself.
I can’t stand the sound of my own thoughts.
Sometimes.

Look, I think of everything I did when I was at work this week. Reaching out to Liz Ruffolo to try to make sure she understands this is a fresh start, without my trying to mention we had any history between us. That’s part of who I am. A good person.

I think of how I tried to go walking with Jean and to let go of that burning anger that indeed did get out later. I know I’ll go apologize. I don’t know if I’ll try harder the next time this thing comes again, though.

My thoughts are very loud, I guess, and they demand attention, and it takes energy. That’s why I journal. I make better progress. I write them down, and they don’t knock so incessantly on the door.

There’s no doubt integration is easier when I’m alone ALL of the time. It’s hard to be suspicious of your own psychological composition. I don’t think I’m crazy, if anything, I’ve proved that I can survive just fine segregated. I just don’t want to be segragated anymore. I want to be authentic.

God forgive me, I want zen-like peace in every moment to which I can bring it. That’s a helluva lot easier done when I maintain solitude. No wonder zen masters live in damn caves.

I’m not sure if I want to live alone, or not…
I don’t know tonight.
Would I haunt myself just as badly alone as I do living with someone?
Would it make adjusting to the presence of others more difficult? Is this an exercise, learning to be yourself around others, that if you quit, your progress atrophies?
And would I care…




It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn