Personal Journal

Resolving some of those thoughts

Jean and I made amends. I apologized.
I found it surprising that she was suspicious that I was dishonest with her, that she suspected me of wanting her gone but being afraid to say so. She pried through my computer records, finding nothing (and not this journal, I’m happy to see). There’s nothing in them I have reason to hide, except this journal, which is mine. I told her that I am sure that I love her (and I am) but that I’m not sure if our compatibility factors are such that we can pull this off over the long haul. She accepted that, and I can say that after Saturday, and Sunday especially, you know, we’re not doing too badly.
One of the things that I realized, yesterday, actually, is that I’ve found “anger” to be a functional tool to control situations with her. When I get angry, she stands down. Root cause: I feel out of control in some ways. Resolution, explain to her how I need her to understand things like – doing things that are important to me even if they’re not to her. I need to explain things better: “This will make me angry if…” Doable. Realization. Good.
She’s very forgiving, which in my case, is something that makes me strive not to do things for which I must ask for forgiveness. I’m funny that way.
We spent Sunday cleaning house. I said to her that I love the fact that when our goals are synchronous, we can be very harmonious. We cleaned and cleaned for several hours (her mom is coming tomorrow for a stay here), and everything was beautiful in my house afterward. Awesome. I took some time to point out how I wish we could work together like that on house maintenance more often. Progress. Communication. Good.
Had a funny incident yesterday, she got a Victoria’s Secret catalogue, I perused it. She asked if I wished she looked more like those models. I said no, I already think you’re beautiful. I just wish we had sex more… heheh. She’s not happy with her self-image, and when you’re not happy with that, your sexuality is going to suffer. I accept that, and I accept that the stresses she is under in general make her sex life low on her priorities. I regret the lack of intimacy, but I’m 34 now, it’s better to have a person who’s happy with their position in life than it is to have some acquiesce to sex like it’s a chore. At 22 I wouldn’t have agreed; I wasn’t capable of that level of understanding of people and relationships.
Life is long, there’s plenty of time for rolls in the hay. We did connect on Sunday night, and it was worth the wait, frankly. Very much so.

So, I’ve got this piece of writing in my head, and I’m not making any effort to work it. I want this piece to work, and I just can’t seem to find the safe spot to explore it. I can’t really do much with it at work because it’s NC-17, and I can’t have that kind of writing being posted at work, I don’t think. And at home, between distractions and Jean, I haven’t made the effort to make the environment conducive to writing. That reminds me, I need to find a good way to get free music radio so I can write. I bought a killer pair of headphones last week and I think I can write and listen to music at home quite well, regardless of whether Jean’s in the room.

I just re-read my Addendum entry. One of the things I find that I'm alone in experiencing is that sense of segregation. Of course, no one really talks about that stuff in life, do they. It can be frightening to think that you don't know really what your essence is. Discussing it in public, I think, is one of the taboos we adults silently respect. I don't, I guess, or else I'm the only one who does it.

But I am what I am, and like I said long ago, sometimes I feel like I come undone and I find myself exploring what I really am. As I look back at that addendum entry, I recognize that when I'm talking about compromising myself, I'm really talking about the side of myself that is giving and nurturing. What the Keirsey temperment definitions call "The Healer" temperment. I tend to try to help out, lend support, co-operate and co-exist. That can be something that drains. And in a period of stress, like Friday, it can feel threatening.

Again, progress. Good!

I think I’ll go look into that on the web right now.


It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn