Sarah's Life

The past few weeks

I got here and everything was great. My roommate rules, my Roommate's twin rules, and her roommate was cool too. We quickly formed a pretty tight group, and I'm making tons of friends that just kick ass compared to some of the assholes I had to call 'friends' back in Denver.

And then the shit, naturally, hits the fan.

It turns out Lisa (my roommate's twin's roommate) can't afford to attend and leaves.

Now it's not nearly as much fun.

And it's been raining ever since.

And it's a fucking COLD rain.

And I was talking to a guy on the floor who was originally assigned Jackson as his roommate and got the cancellation notice like two days later. That kinda sucked.

And here I am still actually checking Jackson's blog with regularity, on the off chance that he decides to go back to blogging, but he hasn't updated in well over a month and I'm giving up. I really fucked things up, but that's life and I did it for the right reasons. It wouldn't've been right to pretend that everything was allright and we were getting back on track when I realized I was falling hard for someone else. And yes, I have fallen pretty damn hard. It hurts to be away from Jeremy and I hate it. It never hurt like this with Jackson, as much as I hate to type this when I know he could potentially be reading this journal now and could get hurt by this but I've stopped caring. At least I am still writing my feelings and I actually manage to keep my life going and I don't bog myself down in one person and forget who I really am and pretend to be something I'm not just to keep said person happpy because my happiness so depended on their approval. And you know what? I wasnt' the first. He placed his happiness in everyone's hands but his own and I recongnized that and I also remember going through it and he'll never be a balanced person until he realizes that error. But, of course, as I say all of this I realize that I do still care and for all I know he's lying in a ditch somewhere slowly dying. and I wouldn't even be told if he was. Fuck me for still caring. Why is it that I always care too much and no one believes that I care in the first place?

Damnit.

Oh, and here's another good one. Cody is pulling his "I don't trust the person you're dating" shit again. He always manages to do this right when he thinks I'm starting to want to run. He did it with Jackson ("Oh, he's probably good for you..." became "You're just doing this again and you're going to do nothing but hurt him") and he's doing it with Jeremy ("I like him he seems cool" became "I dont' trust him"). And he hadn't even seen Jeremy in the meanwhile. If he had any kind of basis for this beyond some kind of fucked up dream which he probably made up on the spot to freak me out, I'd be wondering. But the issues is he's done this for years and I never noticed because he was perfectly timed - I was always looking for a reason to run by the time he started bringing these BS concerns up. But I'm not running this time. Which does two things to me - first, I realize that I'm not running, which is an interesting phenomenon which I'm still trying to understand. Could it be that I actually LOVE Jeremy? And for once my heart and mind actually agree that the answer to that question is undeyably YES. The second is that I'm starting to get sick of Cody's BS. He has no right to be pulling this stuff when I'm still calling him my best friend. Well that designation has passed on until he realizes that he's not in control of my happiness. Fuck him.

Other than that, college life is great.


"If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King

"Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying

"What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain

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