Personal Journal

Pressure

Something’s wrong, and it’s a bigger picture today than the sum of its parts. I’m dealing with the feeling that I really hurt my back again this weekend. So much so that vicodin isn’t dealing sufficiently with the pain, and I’m worried. Worried. Not this again, man, PLEASE, not this. I don’t know that my life could manage this time around.
I feel like I’ve thrown out of some fast orbit, and I’m dizzy. Jean’s pissed off that she has to stay at work another hour. Another friggin hour! Sometimes she’s got no grip on things, no perspective. She can get spun up over something trivial, and when she does that, and comes to me thinking I’m going to be sympathetic, I can’t feign it well, and I have to resist my urge to tell her to get a clue, so it’s best if I just stay away from her.
That’s a part of my problem today. We were both leaving work early because her Mom is at the house staying for a few days’ visit. Well, if this is the mood she’s headed for, I think I’ll stay at work considerably longer, then, till she gets over this bullshit.
And her mom is in town, so that means I don’t get my space at home. I can’t just go do what I want in any room. I have to play host, be sociable, go places. And with this new development with my damn back, that puts me in a bit of a bind. I’d like to do nothing, actually, sit on a bag of ice all night. Dunno what kind of issues I’ll have to balance between my need for rest, Jean’s emotional tirade du jour, and plans for doing things with her mom. Her mom is actually pretty cool, I enjoy her being around. I don’t know her well, so I don’t know how to relate to her or how to show her an interesting time, though, so that’s unwelcome pressure.
I don’t soldier on well with back pain. Twisted ankle, headache, I can deal with those. But sciatica randomly down one or both legs can make me impatient, and agitated. That makes me dangerous. Today, though, unlike last week, I’m going to control myself. No letting loose.
Got to do some writing soon. Feeling like I’m failing myself…


It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn