Life as we know it sucks

Just let me be

Current Mood: still disappointed

Current Music: The Ivy League - The June Spirit

10-4

I hate myself. Why am I so mean? Especially to Shane, when he didn't even do anything. Well, he did, but he didn't bother to ask what was bothering me. I see. So, this is how it's going to be. Every time I'd comment on something that he or David were takling about, they would just ignore it. After the millionth time that happened, I said, "Ok then, I'll just shut up." No one bothered to listen to me then either. I rode the whole way to my grandmother's in silence and Shane didn't even notice until like a half hour later. He said my name and I snapped at him. Oh NOW you wanna talk to me, huh? Then he backed off. I got out of the car and he said, "you want me to come tomorrow still?" I shrugged and said maybe. Or sure. One of the two. It doesn't really matter which one seeing as he interprets them both as no anyway.

I hate myself because I am so mean to him when he has done nothing. I just make him feel like he's done something or I make him vulnerable so that he'll do something to piss me off. I mean, fuck, why am I so god damned mean to that poor boy? I love him more than anything, yet I treat him like shit. I was right last night when I said I don't deserve him. I'm a fucking hag and don't deserve to live if I'm just gonna be a burden on everyone's lives. Fuck myself! That's right. I'm a mean fucker.

And I'm always pissed off looking too. That's all anyone thinks about me. Like why do I have to fucking smile all the time anyway? What good will that do? What will it accomplish? Just the fact that people will fear me because I'm a psycho let loose. I don't understand how they get "pissed off" out of my normal, everyday expression. Everyone else looks normal, why the FUCK DO I LOOK PISSED OFF?! Huh?! Will you tell me how that fucking works?

<sigh>

I'm sick of this world, of my life, of my torturous ways. I'm SO fucking mean and I'm sorry, but I know sorry's not good enough so I'm sorry for that too. Fuck my life. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to kill myself, so I wouldn't be a burden to anyone any longer. Or maybe start cutting myself again, like some fucking psycho or derranged person - but I once was that. Will I become that again? Am I sinking further into a depression? Another lonely, heartwrenching depression that will cause not only pain on me, but pain on my friends and boyfriend. I want to cry, for I cannot laugh. I want to scream, for I cannot be uplifted. I want to die for I should not be able to live. I just want to end this deeply despairing and burdening life. I'm so tired. Have you ever noticed that crying increasees fatigue in your already drained body. Let's add some fatigue to that and everything will be fine and dandy. You know what, Shane? I am genuinely sorry for being such a whore (not literally of course.) I am sorry for being the worst girlfriend you've ever had. I'm sorry that I cannot satisfy you when I am angry, that I cannot just pull myself out of it, that I may be in that anger for days at a time. I am desperately sorry that I am a part of your life, for I increase the troubles and worries of you already troubled and worried life. I am sorry that life as I know it ceases to exist after this moment. (this is my suicide note)


Always and forever . . .

--------------------------------------------
but i threw you the obvious,
just to see if there's more behind you.
eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy
but i see,
see through it all.
see through, see you