For Blaine

Today you helped me

At first you scared me at your as your ambition to help me seemed to be strong. The fact that you kept popping on my screem encouraged me to open up to you. So slowly, II opened up.

I told a little hoping that I would scare you off. No, it didn't and thus I continued to IM and email you a little more at a time. I was still very weary as I was still hoping that you would get overwhelmed. But secretly hoping that you would become scared and leave.

So about 3pm I somewhat agreed that you were not leaving you were here for me. The first man ever that was not going to ditch me to deal with their own issues.

Everyone else was asking me to deal with my own issues through self-help and do something about my own situation. Little do they know that I am doing it through self help through self-help groups such as Elysian Fields and formerly in a newsgroup still existing newsgroup alt.support.depression (ASD) group.

It wa only last month that I was discussing options that I could do to escape the situation I am in at the moment. What they don't understand is the rural area from which I live is open to changing their attitudes as we are willing to reach out whrn we are hurt.

There is no groups/counseloes worth a damn/ or psychiatrist's with proper licenses in small towns or cities, I trvel 300 miles (600 both ways 10hrs drive) to get to those qualified to deal with the whole me. The depression, the cerebral palsy, and the seizure disorder all in one.

I want to keep this journal open for the time being so that people understand that people do care about others no matter what the person says or does.

Please understand one thing I do have anger, I will not hide from you and if you don't like it screw the entry or email and go on. I use words as a way to keep me sane. If I had no way to communicate in words how I feel my actions would cause me to lose everything.