Personal Journal

October 22

October 22.

I spent my day in a school of horrors, so to speak.
I should have to abbreviate names here. These are real people of whom I write.

I don’t like men, really. They’re fine to work with, but in my personal dealings, I find them boorish. I was abused entirely by men in my upbringing, and I know that has a great deal to do with it. I also have a strong feminine side, and I find the female gracefullness of life much more fulfilling.

There are things about men that I wonder if other people know. Today, I descended into that world of male morale baselessness. I hadn’t seen it in such shocking honesty since I was in the Army.
TL and MH are two of the mechanics on the trip, along with myself, and BH. TL and MH are both retired Air Force senior Non-Commissioned Officers (NCOs). E7, ranks, each of them – platoon sargeants, a very respectable rank for an Nco to retire from.

To me, they represent about 50 percent of the male population, as I perceive them, they have no sexual morals. We spent 10 hours today assembling cabling. For wide swathes of it, each of these men covered their sexual exploits from their time stationed at Clark AFB in the Phillipines. It was sick. That’s the best word I can use to describe it.

They talked about bars – one would refer to one, the other would say “I got a blowjob in there”. They talked about sneaking prostitutes into the barracks to have their concubines within easy access at all times. MH was married during his stays in the Philippines…

I can’t adequately describe how pained I am for the world, knowing that there are so many men like these two in the world. Scum. To approach sexuality with the same thoughtfulness that they approach defication. That their need for orgasms was no more in need of selectivity than their need for toilets. That women are interchangeable vagina support systems, like refrigerators are beer cooling systems.

I do judge them. I don’t know where they stand in relation to the smooth-talking “player” with the sweet car and the hard body, like the one I knew when I worked my night job this summer, Eric. His good looks and tremendous social graces had him armed to be a seduction expert. He was 22, and lived for the weekend scene of girls and alcohol, and I find it oh so dispicable.

It’s one of the highest complaints I have against my sex. Indeed, if I were given a choice, I’d be a woman if I could, and a lesbian at that. Men repulse me. Sometimes even I repulse myself with these base sexual instincts.

And for the reader of my journal, I’ve never cheated, and I’ve never had sex with a woman I didn’t care about (and only one whom I didn’t love). And I have had only six partners. That’s most of my full disclosure so that you don’t think I hate my human sexuality. Indeed, my sexuality is the most cocmplex part of my person, but not one I am in denial of. My sexual identity is not something I’ve gone into yet on this journal, and not generally something I share so publically.

I could never have the conversations that these men do about “sucky-fucky”. I am sorry to say that I don’t plan on saying anything about it to them. I’m the only college-educated one in our four person (man) group. At some point, I may tell them to change the subject. But there’s no point in my straining my work relationship to register a point of moral clarity with them. They are in their 40s. They are not about to change their spots.

Is this what men are? I tend to think so. The male’s sexual drive is natural, and potent, and if unrestrained by morality, is ugly. It’s so very ugly. And I think most men voluntarily or otherwise enable themselves to slip through cracks in moral clarity so as to permit themselves to do as they will without regret. I estimate 75 percent of men are cheaters or would be if the opportunity presented itself.

It’s one reason why I find it difficult to spend time with men who I do not know very well. Why I have never had many male friends.



It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn