There must be a light under the bushel!

Flesh-eating creatures 10/06/03

         Nobody warned me.

         I knew they'd existed, but it's been so long.
You can't grow up in Texas without having a run-in with the blood-sucking creatures.

         I remember them from when I was a kid, playing in the wet grass. The bright green grass would always stick to my bare feet with streaks of dirt and grime mixed in. It was annoying but not enough to wipe it off. There was always a sprinkler to run through or a ballgame to win, so who could be bothered?

         However, all bets were off as soon as the fire-bearing insects showed up. They would worm their way between the blades of grass sticking to the damp, dirty skin, rear their little heads back, and WHAM! You have been terrorized my the most ferocious of the little creatures...the fire ant.

         These are no ordinary little ants. I had forgotten the misery they wrought until recently. I was playing the new and disturbing game that is quickly becoming my obsession, golf. As if the game is not beastly enough, with all the fun traps they set on the course, now someone has decided the game needs an element of danger to go with it.

         I don't know if you can really appreciate exactly the scene I'm showing here. You pick up the wedge you left on the green, after several long minutes of trying to get the little damn ball into the little damn hole, trying to figure out why it was so easy the last time and how the hole could have shrank that much, and then out of the corner of your eye, the monstrous demons are crawling all over your hand and wrist. You do a very undignified dance in order to shake them free, but they cling and desperately get in as many bites as possible before their doom. 7 bites in all.

         They don't look like little ant bites that eventually turn white and itch like the devil. No, they swell and hurt and itch and eventually turn into nasty scabs. You have to think about so many minute details while playing the game, how can you be expected to notice where you put your club down? Why can't they just kill them all?!It's really just another ruse to torture frustrated golfers everywhere!