Personal Journal

November 11

It’s not being alone on my birthday that’s got me down today.
It’s being lonesome.
I don’t know who I want to talk to.
Do I want to talk to Jean? So much problem with that idea, the complications that would arise from that, it’s like, fuck it. That’s one of the major factors that’s bothering me. We’re not an intimate couple, so I think my soul is at a place where it was before: Adapt and become what the other person needs, or walk away.
I think I’m right there very strongly. Wait. Maybe I’m wrong.
What’s going on in this relationship? Why do I feel so unfulfilled? See, if I were to ask Jean, she’d just say that I’m selfish – or so I believe. Or she’d go in the opposite direction and say that she’s worthless as a human being, implode, and leave me with the option to either dive in after her and breathe into her my esteem for her, or walk away and leave her feeling like everyone walks away from her when she is in need.
You know, maybe we’re just not right for one another.
What’s wrong with that notion? (I’ll tell you what, here’s another one you convinced to move thousands of miles away from everything familiar and now you’re finding that it’s not a good fit, so you walk away, and you recover, and the one you made a promise to is left with nothing and less than that).
I didn’t make her move here. She had a choice, and she made it of her own free will.

It’s not that the relationship has gotten worse. In fact, it’s probably gotten better. But I’m so lonesome. I feel like no one is here to care for my soul (and the ways in which one does that are another matter entirely, and I’m having a problem realizing that my sexuality and my soul are intertwined, and to love one requires loving the other --- perhaps even from myself).

When you’re lonesome, there are always too many people around.
I feel so empty inside that I want to scream and cry at the same time.

I want someone to relate to my soul, and I feel like she’s not realizing that that’s what’s killing me right now. My body is so heavy that I can barely hold myself up here at this desk over the keyboard and write this.

Last time I asked her to write me, we had a huge fight. And now I’m afraid of interacting with her.
I’m afraid to ask for what I need. I need a partner. I need someone who will hold me while I express those thoughts that lie deep within that make one afraid to think of speaking about.

Being lonesome means being exposed before the demons that rend souls apart and having no one to shelter you.

When the phone rings tonight, and it’s her, I hope I have the courage not to answer it.


It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn