It's Me (and I like 'em tall!)

I've been trying to hard :(

I've been realizing over the past few days that I've been trying to hard. I've been trying to hard in friendships, in relationships, and in life in general. I try to hard to please those around me...especially my friends. I've been forgetting that it's okay to please myself sometimes too.

I've also realized that I trust people to much. I put to much of my emotions on the line in friendships, and I let people walk all over me. This is a problem I've known about for a while, however, I thought I cleansed myself of the "emotional baggage" friends well over a year ago. I guess I just attact that type of person. I have managed to surround myself with those people again. I'm seeing that I need to help myself by stopping helping them. Sometimes it's just about me.

Erin, one of my best friends here at Graceland, and I aren't really friends anymore, I guess anyway. I don't know what's going on between us. All I know is that she can't handle the fact that I have other friends and go places with them. She can't handle the fact that there are men in my life, one who I might even care about more than her. She is irrational, overemotional, and all together ridiculous. I wrote her a fair letter a few days ago that expressed my feelings about our friendship in hopes to clear some things up. She has not only not spoken to me since the letter, she has not looked at me either.

Mark is a whole different story. After his birthday on December 1 when he treated me incredibly shitty when I did such kind things for him, I didn't talk to him until about two weeks ago. I was doing well at acting like he wasn't in the same room, and like we didn't have the same friends, until one day we were standing face-to-face and I couldn't stop myself from a simple "Hello". Since then our friendship has almost been back to what it was last year when we ended the school year. I look forward to our friendship growing again. (Even though I know in my heart he'll pry just hurt me again).

SO--I took a 3 hour break on this entry from the previous line. Some people asked me to go to the coffee house and hang out for a bit. On the way there something was totally wrong with my car and I didn't know what. When I got out my rear drivers side tire was completely flat (when it was fine this afternoon). It was only a week ago that my friend Nate had to stand in the rain for an hour trying to change my front passenger side tire that was flat! WHAT?! Anyway, as frusterated as I am with my life, and my friends right now, this event couldn't have come at a better time. Scott Johnson (an amazing individual) and Colin Redick were with me. They stepped up with no complaints and fixed my car. After the car fell off the jack, my friend Jacob Blakesly came to the rescue with a new jack. I love those Cheville boys! They're my true friends. We might not spend hours a day together, but we do love each other and we know it. They're the friends I can turn to for help at any point, and I know they'll be there. I need more friends like them.

It's been a confusing week, and a frusterating day. All in all I feel like balling my eyes out (and I probably will when I get in bed) There will be tears of sadness, but along with them will be tears of joy. I am amazed at who my true friends really are. You know who you are, and I love you for that.

~KIM

P.S. I think this is the most emotionally confusing entry I have ever written.