My Life...

I feel so weird...

I can't stop thinking about the whole depression thing. I don't think that it has sunk in yet. I just keep going over everything in my mind. Everything that happened yesterday.

I woke up yesterday, feeling fine. I mean, I was a little emotional, but I just put that down to nerves about maths (since I'd managed to work myself up about it so much, as always), and just went on my way. I'm not a person who can talk to people about my feelings. Even on here, I don't like going into what I'm feeling, I think that's why I come off as a little stand offish when I post at message boards, or write in my online journals, but I don't know.

Anyway, I was fine for the first two periods that were free. I felt like I was going to cry, but that I had it under control. I was LAUGHING, for crying out loud, so it couldn't have been that bad.

But as soon as the deputy principal said I couldn't change, things went down hill. I started crying when I was sitting with Kristen at another free period and she just sat there. She sat there and played with her phone while I was kind of falling apart for no reason. I was scaring myself and told myself sternly to stop being so stupid and I calmed myself down.

Then I went to see the maths teacher, on the deputy's request, and she could tell I had been crying because, even though I'd washed my face, my eyes were all puffy. She took me away from the staffroom and started talking calmly to me about trying to adjust to the class. That is not the issue, the issue is her. I don't like her, but I couldn't say that. And me, being the baby that I am, started crying and just sort of walked off into the special year 12 area where the people I thought were my friends (well, sort of) were and took some deep breaths.

That was when Simon (That's his real name. I've decided to stop calling people by fake names. Who cares if they read this? Not that they would, seeing as they hate me. I'm still calling my 'friend' Kristen, otherwise it'll be confusing) started. They could all see I was crying of course, but he still said it.

It's hard to explain what I felt when he said it. I knew they didn't really like me, but I was trying so hard to make them like me. Just everything fell apart and I know it sounds stupid. It was like all my assumptions that they didn't like me were verified and I wasn't able to handle it.

I'm still so confused. I never thought I had depression. It never occured to me. But I now realise that I haven't felt...right for about 2 years now. Especially in the last 6 months or so, things have gotten worse. I used to tell myself that all teenagers felt this way, and that it was just a stage. Whenever I read things on depression, I saw that I had the symptoms, but I pushed it to the back of my mind, saying "I can't have depression. I have everything."

I thought that because my family wasn't as bad as some others were, or that because I had everything I need, that I couldn't be depressed.

I truly live in a dream world. When something goes wrong, I pretend that everything is fine.

That's why I started skipping appointments with the counsellor last year. I didn't WANT to believe that I had something wrong with me.

People at school always say "I feel so depressed." They use that term so loosely. Like depression happens when they get a D isntead of an A or something. I know practically nothing about depression, but I have never said "I feel so depressed" about something so trivial.

People at school think that if you have depression, it means you just want attention, but I just want people to leave me alone.

I can't HANDLE the thought of having depression.
In a way, I've opened my mind up and bothered to learn about depression and I'm just so ashamed that I was one of the people that I hate right now. I guess I thought like that because I didn't know any better.

Now I'm not afraid of being seen as weird or anything like that. I'm scared of the way I'm feeling.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I may have depression. Well, that I probably DO have depression since the counsellor said I do. I've been fighting the idea for so long that I automatically think "everything's fine. She's wrong. I haven't got depression"

I'm so scared. I don't know what the counsellors at the centre are going to ask me, what they're going to do.

I can't talk to anybody about this. I don't know anybody who has depression. I don't know what to do.

Medication. I don't want to have medication. Will it make me feel better?

I wish my parents were more supportive. Mum's great, but I don't want to talk to her about all this.

Am I ever going to stop feeling like this???


Current mood: anxious

~*.: Sarah :.*~



~~Piper: I'm getting stalked by psycho killers and I hide in the shower!
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