It's Me (and I like 'em tall!)

Valentine's Day = Singles Awareness Day

Boys have koodies. I'm almost 22-years-old and I've been making that remark since childhood; I suppose it must be true. "Poop on Valentine's Day."

I do have a "special guy" in my life, and I am actually heading over to his place after I finish this entry. While today does make me more conscious of my current standings in the sense of relationships, I have been dwelling on these thoughts for the past week or so.

I have had a rough few months, but I've been working hard to maintain a positive outlook on my life, and my future. I have lost some great friends as I traveled, but I also gained a few more amazing ones. I know God places every person and situation in my life for a reason (even though I may never know what that reason is.) However, I am questioning His reasons behind this "special guy." We've been great friends for almost two years, and I've been interested in him for almost a year now. It has only been over the past few months that we've been spending significant amounts of time together on almost a daily basis. I don't know what we are, if we ever will be anything, or whatever. I love him as a friend-he is an awesome person who brightens my day! However, I'm scared of mainly two things (besides the fact that his mom is obsessed with having grandkids-and if you know me-you know that's not cool.) Both of my concerns have to do with the way he makes me feel.

*side note: I left for a few hours and went to hang out with him. It was nice. But, for V-day...it kind of lacked meaning and emotion*
...anyway....

Over the past weeks, I've been questioning how "interested" in him I actually am. No worries~I'm definitely not becoming less intersted. I fear allowing my feelings to develop into something that I don't have control over. The last thing I need added to my plate right now is getting my heart broken by a boy. I've been through it once, and I don't know how I'm still standing. I have such strong feelings for him (that I deny myself) that it scares me. It sounds junior high, but what if he doesn't feel the same way? Ugh! The other thing he makes me feel, which is a TOTALLY new experience for me is Jealousy. :( When my ex (who I thought I was in love with) starting spending time with another woman (who he is now engaged to) while we were still dating, I didn't get jealous. I won't lie, I was upset...but this is a different feeling. In the past week I've noticed it a lot. I don't like this feeling, it makes me feel like a horrible person. I was talking to him on the phone the ohter day and I found out there was a girl there. She is a mutual friend, and he has always hung out with her. I like her, but I just got so upset inside. It was no big deal, he even invited me over right then, but I felt so uncomfortable. Also, he went to the movies with a girl from school who neither of us really hang out with. She asked, and he said yes. He didn't think it was a big deal, and it wasn't. That's what people do at Graceland....they go to the Wed. night movie that the school provides. I was so jealous. Every day that I've seen her on campus since then...I just feel sick. I want this feeling to go away.

I face the idea everyday that we probably won't progress to anything further than we are right now. He is graduating in May~ and I'm stuck here until December. He'll only be a few hours away, but after I graduate I have no clue what state I'll be in. It's almost perfect, but the timing isn't right. Help me God. I pray often about this boy. I know he's in my life for a reason, I just can't figure out why.

I want there to be something this time. I want this boy to stick around for a while....a long while. I don't want another companionship for a time frame that's convienent for us. I've had those things. I've had Terry, the random make-out partner who stayed over almost every night and wanted to be in a commited relationship (I'm the opposite of most women.) I had Sean...and I don't even know what the hell that was (but it was definitely just convienent for both of us.) I had Ben, and I had all those other stupid boys. I don't want there to be a point at any time during my life that I can say "I had that boy at Graceland." I want to say, "I met my boy at Graceland."

We'll see. I try to stay positive, but it's just so difficult.

~KIM

p.s. Do I dare say "Love"??