Journal

self respect

self respect is a funny thing. i just realized how important it is to me. re realized i guess, would be a more accurate statement. Last year after I drank for the first time i struggled for a while, I had lost some of my self respect. A little more then a year later I feel that i have a lot of it back, I work, I try to study and do the "right thing." This came up for a reason, last night there was this huge party at alex and stump's house. I didn't go, I was at work until 12:30. Monica and Kellie as well as more of my friends were there. Monica had gone out and partied on friday, driven drunk and stuff like that. We hung out for a bit on Sat. she kept telling me how much she wanted to get smashed and stuff like that. I wanted to go hang out w/ my friend Katie, it was her birthday.
So anyway, I didn't go last night and I am very glad. Monica calls me this morning kind of rushing through what all happened last night, you know the chosing your info correctly so you are barely not lying. I could tell what she was doing but I decided to wait until the rest of my friends called and told me what she was hiding. Sure enough about 30 minutes later kellie calls me, she tells me all about the drama with aaron katie and tasha, how she didn't want to be at alex's house but she stayed. (pushover and kind of leechy in a way if you ask me) anyway, she told me that last night was pretty wild, there was a train on one of the girls (monica had told me this) there was a girl giving a guy head while getting fingered, all of them doing this all for show. of course there was a lot of booze, so basically it was just wild. then, kellie goes on to tell me that monica "ate a girl (i'm protecting her name, although i don't really know why, she isn't a friend of mine) out in front of everyone"

stunned silence on my end. kellie goes on chattereing about something like having her ass grabbed or something like that.

still stunned

me............ WAIT...... WHAT?! SHE GAVE A GIRL HEAD IN FRONT OF A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO WERE TAKING PICTURES JUST FOR A SHOW. (monica is not lesbian,) she just makes out with girls and flashes for camaras for the show. i had no idea that she would go this far.
so i get off the phone with kellie, and in a state of shock call dee and ask her what to do. she told me to reccomend to monica that she get s on birth control soon. she said that if it made me feel better i could talk to her, but we both agreed that it probably wouldn't monica knows me, she knows what i am going to say, i've said it when she flashes for camaras and makes out with chicks to entertain a bunch of people she doesn't even care for.

so about half an hour after that monica calls me. she says she is home now and bored. she wants go hang out with those guys and talk to them. ugh. she tells me it was wild and people were doing stupid shit. she doesn't mention that she was the craziest of them all. which is what she was in kellie's opinion. she told me about all the drama with katie aaron and kellie, then she started whinning about how kellie was there and whinning about everything. ugh stupid drama. i hate it. i am so gladi wansn't there, at least both of them agreed on that. it doesn't hurt my feelings, i would have been embarassed for monica and it would have been ackward. i would have wanted to leave and even though kellie wouldn't have been having fun she would want to be around the excitement, so she would refuse to leave. idon't know. i kinda just pretended to be very sleepy with monica i didn't want to hear it, she didn't want to tell me about it but iknow she knows that someone will tell me and she wanted kind of to be the one.
i am grossed out. maybe i'm making a big deal about this but seriously, giving a gril head in front of at least 15 ppl is gross. does she not respect her self or what? she casually mentioned (monica) that aaron was mad at her for drinking and she said "its me, i am like this anyway." ok whatever that means. i know i sound like a prude but still...............