Journal

letter

I got tired of monica's crap, so last week i sent her this email and i recieved this reply.

Hey,
I want you to know that I have put alot of thought into this letter. It is not ment as a hate letter or anything of that sort. I just feel like you should know what's going on with me, after the whole kellie thing i have began to look at my friendships and their ties and flaws. I have also been looking at my own and figuring out how to fix them. I really don't know how to start this but I am just going to say it, I don't want to be used as much as I am being used right now. I mean, I know everyone uses people, all the time. It's human nature or whatever. But I think you are using me as an excuse, or back up or something like that. I feel like sometimes I have to protect you unnessicarly from certain things like my parents and stuff. Quiet honestly I don't really want you comming over here in the morning hung over and smelling like stale beer and smoke. I don't feel like I should have to lie to my parents. I really don't want to do that. I don't want my little sister to see a shirt with a girl giving a guy head on it. I think that in every friendship there are boundaries, I need to learn how to respect yours i know this. Sometimes I cross the line. However I feel like sometimes I am just being used for my house, its a place to go in 3rd hour. It's a place to drop the jeep off at. Its a place to tell your dad you are at. That's ok, sometimes, I seriously don't mind it every once in a while.
Remember that converstation we had tonight? I asked you why you wanted to spend the night over here, you said because I have shampoo.

I just feel like I am tired of holding this all in, you don't deserve to be snapped at for reasons you don't understand. I have realized that people use each other for a long time, even if i haven't mentioned it. It happens. Thats ok, you are welcome at my house, but please just remember that I am your friend, I have feelings and I need my own time. This is already a long letter and I just have one thing to say, respect it, I feel like i have respected you in telling you all of this so please don't forward it to people in a moment after reading it. I don't hold grudges, i just need peace of mind
jameela

i completely understand. but recently i have been telling my dad where i was, and i dont use your house for an excuse anymore for where i am on weekends and such. i so understand how you feel. im feel bad, i have been feeling bad but didnt have the balls to really tell you. i seriously have givin it thought and HAVE been trying to cut down on some of the shit i do. i knew last night that i was going to spend the night at alexes and i KNEW i shouldnt have called to ask to stay there but i did anyway, i knew i was going to stumps house, but we were watching a cool movie and everyone was hangin out, you didnt have to go to aims so i wanted to call you over to watch it with us. i seriously didnt mean to make you bitter and i also had that voivce in that back of my head, we are different in many perspectives and that really has been showing recently. i still want to be your friend. and i HAVE been trying to cut down on going there. this winter has been hard :( and i thats another reason why i lovbe spring so i wont have to be at your place most of the time. i dont love it there. i have been starying at alexe's house. its hard to hang out with both people at the same time when you dont want to hang out SO NOT YOUR FAULT. its just complicated. i didnt mean to get you butthurt. im just used to hangin out with you alot, and i wanted you to come over and watch the movie with us. i dont mean to "use" you i try not to, thats why i try to spend time with you as much as i can. but places where i am welcome, doesnt fit into your category of "hanging out" i keep my dad updated on where i am belive it or not. and he doesnt care anymore....because he's depressed. im sorry that you feel that way because i VALUE our friendship more than anything, and thats probably because we are so different. it never gets boring. i did feel bad about going there smelling like smoke and such. iv been there alot latey and knew not to go to your house. and i know you need to tell people about his....you should tell ME! the only person who has business in all this, not katie, not other people.....and possibly kellie. (but shes not as bad as me in some ways) i seriously, honestly, in all truth do not TRY purposly to use you. everytime that i stay there the night, everytime i go there for 3rd hour, i am so greatful. i probably just havent found time to say thank you once in awhile. i really do appreciate, and i have been trying to cut down on going there, honestly. and i do have your money i owe you, and will pay you back, like i always do, i try to give as much as i can. i knew this was comming but never said anything. i shouldve. just know that i AM trying that's why i stay at alexes' most of the time, it is ahrd to see you because their house reeks of smoke. dont be mad. i am trying. i am sorry.