When I Die

Shock. Half Life. Games. Road To Perdition

1. The Grand Shock (for lack of a better title)

Was setting up the computer shack right yesterday afternoon, and got a nasty jolt.

Well, what happened is me being me (read: abso-bloody-lute idiot) forgot that I'd plugged the goddamn voltage stabilizer into the mains and had gleefully switched the mains on. And I took the stabilizer's fuse (little cylindrical glass tube encasing thin resistance wire) out to clean it. And then just as gleefully started putting it in.

What happened is I felt my left hand, which was in contact with the stabilizer's open fuse slot, was being crushed under an elephant's leg.

Really. Felt like liquid metal had crawled up all the way to the middle of my forearm and was digging in, squeezing it like a boa constrictor.

I jerked my hand back (well, I didn't. My subconscious did it. What's that term.... reflexive stimuli) faster than you can say "shock!" of course, but man, was that tightening, crushing feeling amazing!

No, really. That little jolt made me feel alive.

I dunno why, I've read and heard them say that electricity hits you like a bee sting and stinging is what it feels like--although by the time you're near the end, it feels like the bee's the size of a blue whale.

Well, I'd say those blokes don't know shit about electric shock.

It feels like being crushed. Just like I say it does.

Believe me.

And you know what happened? I thought back (like I always do) and found this: I've never had an electric shock before. Never.

Strange, but true.

Man, I think I've got a seed for a story here. Yeah, maybe I do.

Strange, you know, the way you find stories in these little things once you've transformed into a yarn-spinner. (And as always, I must say: A BAD yarn-spinner.)

---Electrochimp.

PS: All those superhero comics suggest that such an episode preceeds the transformation of an ordinary bloke to a stud-boy-superhero. Spiderman got bitten by a spider. Superman... well, discovered the truth. The Hulk was an experiment gone wrong... no one got electrocuted, did they? Well, well, if I wake up tomorrow morning with bulging muscles and electric blue eyes that shoot lightning... ha, idle dreaming. Dream on, fella. Dream on.

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2. Half Life 1 (for lack of Half Life 2)

If you're wondering why I've changed my handle, this game's the reason.

Gordon Freeman is Half Life's protagonist. The dude you control in the game world. Your digital avatar.

Half Life 2 comes out soon, and you know something? They're gonna show it's demo at E3 2004. For those who don't know anything about gaming, E3 is like a mega advertising event for future game releases. Not just games though... everything that is digital entertainment.

And to all those who live in America: if you aren't at E3, man am I angry at you. Wish I was in your place. Would've gone there by any means I could. Yeah, buddies, just for E3, if nothing else, I wish I was in the big US of A.

Anyway, back to the game. Now, HL2 comes out soon, but I don't think it'll come to India soon. And even if it does, I don't have the kind of money to buy it (will be at least 3000 rupees... probably more, considering the fantastic fame of HL1).

So what I did was modify the original game (HL1) past its maximum difficulty level so that a single shot from the enemy could kill you. And played it.

Dug out a lot of old electronica albums I haven't heard in ages and shoved them one by one into the rusty stereo. Chemical Brothers's "Surrender," Chicane's "Behind The Sun," Juno Reactor's "Shango" and "Bible Of Dreams," Infected Mushroom's "Classical Mushroom" and "B.P. Empire," the olden golden "Unidentified Forms of Sound: Psyhocogical Disorder 2," my favorite minimal psychedelic compilation: "A Progress In Trance," Goa Gil's "Forest Of The Saints," Talvin Singh's "OK," Half Life's soundtrack (one of the best downbeat industrial music compilations, my friends), a few special compilations featuring everyone from X-Dream to Son Kite to Atmos to Astral Projection to Enigma to Dark Soho to Deedrah.

When they were over I stuffed the stereo full of Rock. Metallica's "Black Album," System Of A Down's "Steal This Album," Oasis's "Heathen Chemistry," Matrix Reloaded OST, Pearl Jam's "Riot Act," Nirvana's greatest hits, a few select songs including everyone from Soundgarden to Bush to Puddle Of Mud to Marilyn Manson. And of course, Pink Floyd's "The Wall" and "A Momentary Lapse Of Reason" and "The Division Bell" and "Wish You Were Here."

Three days. Non stop.

I died, reloaded, strategized, reloaded, killed, reloaded.

And won.

Holy goddamn Jesus! I won!

I've reached that little enlightened stage with this game now that you could call me a fucking gaming GOD.

Absolutely could.

You know something? Given the kind of modding I like to do, here's another reason why I regret being in India (and not in the US): I could never join a gaming company like Valve (the makers of the Half Life series) and make games. Really do.

In fact, since I'm on that topic, here's a few more reasons why I think living in India sucks and why living in US wouldn't:

1) Won't be able to buy the game. Big bummer. I'm possibly missing out on the biggest gaming event in the history of the entire industry.

2) Always get music albums late. Can't find the one's I always want. And have to save money for three months before I get to buy the damn album. And then too, just an audiocassette. Never a CD.

3) Ditto books.

Man, I've got a thousand more reasons, but this ain't the right time (or the right entry) for it.

But here's one reason why I'm glad I'm from India: I learned to read before I learned flicking channels on the TV remote. I learned to love written stories before I learned to enjoy the lazy convenience of the visual dailies.

Back to the game though.

Half Life 2.

When it comes out, all you American/UK dudes and dudettes, go and buy it. Buy it and play it. Do it because there are a heck of a lot of people who can't.

It'll be worth it anyway. And if you don't like the game post it to me. (Just kidding.)

Let's talk about part one though.

The great thing about it is that the story's great. Possibly one of the three best stories I've lived in games.

The top spot for story, of course, will always be reserved for the two System Shock games. If you haven't played System Shock... especially System Shock 2, you owe it to yourself to play it. The games difficult like a bone stuck in your throat, but all that frustration is worth it. SS2 is the greatest example of what stellar digital storytelling can do: scare you so bad you can't sleep at night. Even with the lights on.

The game isn't pretentious. It's right up, ball-breaking, fist slamming, head-pounding action right from chapter 2, where things get awry. Well, more than awry.

If you wanna relive the extreme terror of Saving Private Ryan, this is one game that'll give you a taste of what happens when the military has your name on its to-fuck-list.

And, oh, my, the aliens. They're smart. Just like the soldiers. In fact, the overall game AI is so damn convincingly real that I almost had a hard time believing I was playing a single player game. Always wondering if it wasn't some damn error and I was in a multiplayer game. The AI's that cunning.

Perfect example: Came upon a bunch of marines killing aliens. Was on a level above theirs. Saw the whole live action. Aliens zapping marines. Marines shooting their machine-guns and hiding around corners and ducking their heads.

Decided to join the party. Lobbed a grenade. Marines saw it coming, ran away, hid behind the big pillar. And before I knew it, a nice little grenade jumped up behind me and blew me up.

Reload: this time decided to kill the aliens and then watch what the marines would do. This time, they let the grenade blow up, continued their assault on the aliens, and when the ETs were KIA, one of the red-capped marines looked up at me, and I swear I could see the blokes face turn into a swimming grin. he lobbed two grenades at me. Well, reload.

But you've got friendly characters in the game too. A natty policeman most HL-ers have labeled "Barney," three scientists (one of whom looks like Einstein), and a mysterious Blue Suit Man, who, just like the X Files's Cigarette Smoking Man, slips in and out of the game at key locations--sometimes making you feel like shooting his scrawny goddamn butt.

And the voice-acting is fabulous. FAB-YOU-LUS.

The weapons. Man, I've never played another game (barring System Shock 2. Anything good I say about Half Life applies to SS2 as well) where I've had to use every weapon in my arsenal to survive/kick butt.

And each weapon is so damn amazing! From the simple crowbar to the glock pistol. From the 0.357 Magnum (oh, Jesus, this one brings back all those Clint Eastwood movies) to the machine-gun. From the good old 12-shot shotgun to the sniping crossbow which shoots poison darts. From the grenades to the remote-controlled bombs. From the tripbombs to the weird alien menacing bugs. From the claw to the bazooka (so realistic. So damn realistic).

There's never a dull moment. Never. Right from the first scene where you get a nice roller-coaster (literally. Just like a ride in Disneyland) through the underground Black Mesa Facility, this game grabs your eyeballs and makes sure they stick right where they belong: half-an-inch away from the computer monitor.

If you haven't played Half Life 1, well, go do it now. And get SS2 while you're at it. Trust my chimpy judgement.

Hey, I'm talking games, aren't I? Let's do something: list some games you ought to play.

So here goes:

3. Classic Games (for lack of new ones)

The very first game I played was Super Mario Bros. On a coin-operated machine right outside my barber's shop. To say I was hooked is like saying shit smells iffy.

I don't remember my age, but I do remember that that was the time when I thought that Michael Jordan was Michael Jackson's brother and that the crows flocking over our building terrace would lift me up and carry me away if I was a bad boy and that no matter what happened, I'd never get married because girls were yucky.

And here was a cheery plumber who was nothing but a hat and a bushy mustache and a few more polygons of red and orange. The first time I punched the invisible Extra Life box on level 1 was the day I was really hooked, I guess. Mario's creator was a genius. An absolute genius. I don't think I've ever seen a side-scrolling 2D game that ever came close to Mario's magic.

Now, call it co-incidence, but I actually played the first computer game invented after I played Mario, the most popular game invented.

Talking 'bout Pong here.

After that, it was Street Fighter. On the same coin-operated shack outside my barber's.

Max got a Nintendo-compatible (which is a refined term for PLAGIARIZED PIRATED HARDWARE) console. We played a lot of Mario clones on it: Contra (just like the movie Rambo), Chip-n-Dale, Tom and Jerry (lovely), Tiny Toons, a tacky racing game called Penguins, Third-Eye, Double Dragon (good game), and so on and so forth.

Then I went to Dadar with a few friends for Diwali, and played a much better version of the fist-fight-games (ie, Street Fighter clones): Mortal Kombat 3. Shao Kahn's reverberating voice still echoes in the back of my head: "Round one, fight!" and "Fatality," and "Finish him!" and that blood-curling bassy laugh.

By this time Steve's father seemed to have earned (or stolen. Never did find that out) a lot of money and Steve was the proud owner of a swanking new Sega 16-bit system. We played Brian Lara's Cricket on it. Ditto Ultimate Mortal Kombat (with my favorite character: Noob Saibot. When I played as that guy, nobody could beat me. Nobody ever did).

When I got my computer, the first game I played was a demo of Jedi Knight 2: Mysteries Of The Sith. It's based in the Star Wars universe.

After that came Duke Nukem 3D.

And after that... well, let's stop the chronological yapping and give you a good list of computer games you should play:

Strike that and make it "list of ELECTRONIC games you should play". Especially the kiddies of today. You've missed some real gems of the yore... all the fucking 3D Sony Playstations have kind of killed all the good retro games. But those retro games ARE better than every single Playstation game ever made. I'll shout this from my window and rooftop till the day I die.

This is not a rating scale. The numbers are just there as a reminder of how many games I've played. I don't own most of these.

1. Super Mario.

2. Contra.

3. Mortal Kombat 3.

4. Lode Runner.

5. Brian Lara's Cricket.

6. Tiny Toons 1 & 2.

7. Pool.

8. Chip-n-Dale.

9. Third Eye.

10. Double Dragon 1 & 2.

11. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: The Manhattan Project - Dunno 'bout you guys, but TMNT, as superheros, are a serious bummer. But man, I like those guys just the same. And this game gives you a lot of cool moments. Like fighting famous foes like Leatherhead and, of course, Shredder.

12. Nethack - Probably the only RPG game you'll ever need. Crappy graphics... but that actually adds to the game's charm.

13. Uplink - Hackers love this game.

14. Baldur's Gate 2 - I wish I owned this game.

15. Age Of Wonders - Turn based strategy game featuring all your favorite Lord Of The Rings species: elves, orcs, humans, goblins, halflings, dragons, Gollum-esque cave-creatures, lots of others. Beautiful 2D graphics.

16. Homeworld - Oh, man, this one takes strategy gaming to a whole new level - 3 dimensions. You're in command of an entire fleet of spaceships. And, through the deftly crafted storyline, you fight some memorable battles.

17. Freespace 1 and 2 - Think of this as Homeworld. Except that you're in control of just one ship. Great space-sim action.

18. Half Life - A must. Absolutely. FPS, adrenaline pumping action.

19. System Shock 2 - I've yapped about this game a lot already. And will continue to do so till SS3 comes out. Play it, cry over its toughness, and get so badly scared that you leave a slimy brown residue in the chair when you get up. Kali, you're gonna love this one. If you can stand the insane difficulty, that is.

20. Deus Ex - X Filers and conspiracy theorists will love this game. As will hardcore FPS RPG-ers.

21. Black & White - God game. Well done.

22. The Curse Of Monkey Island - One of the two funniest computer games I've played. The other is:

23. Grim Fandango - Also a LucasArts game like the above, and both games are so bloody hilarious that when they're over, you actually feel like life is good. Pita , these two games come specially recommended to you. You'll love 'em. Promise.

24. The Sims - Logic has it that everyone who plays this game is a girl at heart. Well, I'm a guy. And I like this game. Don't you dare question my manhood. Mostly, though, I like watching my pet sim collapse due to exhaustion and hunger... pee on himself and drown in the swimming pool. Other than that, I like building houses. My masterhouse in the game has seven balconies and no roof. Talk about modern-living, guys.

25. Unreal Tournament - Most Quake lovers hate this Deathmatch game, but I'll defend its greatness to my grave. UT's simply the best goddamn Deathmatch game out there.

26. Thief 2 - Now this one's one of those rare gems that makes you wonder why no one else is making games like it. Brilliant design. You're a thief, and the best part is you don't go all guns blazing. This game is about stealth. A slower pace, blackjacking guards unconscious instea dof slashing out your sword, and just that classic Looking Glass Studios (also the developers of System Shock 2. In fact, Thief 2 uses System Shock 2's game engine. What is a game engine? The code) atmosphere and elegance that really saddens me when I play it. It saddens me because Looking Glass Studios shut shop. They did because they were bankrupt, which is because no body bought their games which is because most of the gaming public is fucking insane. Really, if you want smart games, try eveyone of Looking Glass Studios's game titles.

27. Duke Nukem 3D - Man, this game is so old and yet so macho... Duke Nukem has one mission: kick alien ass. And that, my friends, is exactly what he does, mouthing such memorable lines as: "What are you, some bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking filthy piece of shit?" and "Your face, your ass, what's the difference?" and "Those alien bastards are gonna pay for fucking up my ride" and "I'm gonna rip off your eye and shit down your throat." Women, stay away from this game. Excessively sexist. And that's part of the reason why this game appeals to me. Yeah, I'm a sexist pig all right. Well, actually I'm not... but shucks, man, can't a guy have some serious macho fun once in a while?

28. Aliens Vs. Predator - Another one Kali'd like. This one merges two of the all time great movie monsters--the aliens that Sigourney Weaver fought and the predator who butchered Arnie's squad--and thrusts us stupid marines in their midst. But that's not how it is: we can also play as an alien or as a predator. And let me tell you, playing as a predator, the sense of power you get is overwhelming enough to make you actually flinch everytime you see a lowly human being in the real life.

29. Motocross Madness 2 - Now this one's fun, fun, fun all the way. Ride your bikes across such gorgeous landscapes as the Sahara deserts and the Poles. Nifty touches like an alien spaceship taking off on a level called (aptly) Roswell. The perfect gift for your natty seven year old cousin.

30. Rainbow Six: Rogue Spear - The best military sim. Period. All Tom Clancy fans have a way of living out their armchair-commando fantasies with this nifty game.

31. Max Payne - Okay. One word: attitude. This is a moody third-person New York crime thriller. The ebst part is the game engine. The graphics rock, all right. best part is the Slomo--which slows the action down, matrix style.

32. Close Combat 3: The Russian Front - Command Russian or German forces to victory. One of the best real-time strategy games I've played.

I guess 32 is as good as any number to stop.

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4. Road To Perdition (for honor)

Saw the movie yesterday. And right here and now, here's a promise to anyone who cares to have my word: if and when I get to the US, I'm gona fight/exhort/extort/steal/kidnap/shoot my way to meeting Tom Hanks and I'm gonna say, "Thank you," and shake his hand.

Think about it. To say this man is amazing is like saying Bill Gates is rich. His acting is so damn simple to look at, that we forget just how much talent goes into his roles. He slips into his characters in just about every way--looks, accent, and most importantly: attitude.

There's one other guy who does that: Johnny Depp. He has that little calm look about him I absolutely dig, too. You know, the way kids say, "I wish I was that kinda cool."? That's how I feel like watching Johhny in Sleepy Hollow or From Hell or even Scissorhands and Donnie Brasco.

But Tom Hanks absolutely takes the top honors for me when it comes to acting.

Look at the man's movies: Forrest Gump (my most favorite movie ever. Period), Cast Away, You've Got Mail, Philadelphia (I've never seen a single goddamn movie which captured the sheer high of music captured in this one or even reached half the intensity this one did), Road To Perdition, The Green Mile.

The sheer variety of parts he's played and the amount of credibility he's lent to those parts is boggling.

Enough about the man, though. Look at the movie. I know it's an year old movie, but that's the only kind of movies we get to see in India. Old ones.

The movie is visually... silent. Which is a good thing.

I've got a theory that the best movies are the ones that don't take themselves too seriously and the only thing they strive to do is tell good stories.

Road To Perdition tells a very good tale.

And in light of what's recently happened (Dad left), the similarities are too goddamn sentimental to avoid.

The music's fresh. Know something? I've made a decision: I'm gonna be a background score musician. If I ever get the chance, that is. Scintillating piano and flute melodies with the occasional percussion forms the core of this movie's OST.

The movie has a glitch, though: It begins with the classic beach-scene and shifts to a flashback--something I personally hate. That's tolerable, though, because the story's supposed to be narrated by Hanks's boy. Which is precisely why the following is wrong: We're shown a lot of scenes where the boy's not present in the tale. Scenes where Paul Newman talks with Tom Hanks. Especially the killing part.

But you know what? With good movies, you tend to forgive those mistakes and still keep on watching.

And Road To Perdition is a good movie.

A very good one in an age when Scooby-Doo is what rocks the cinema halls and Busted and other assorted supposed "rock" bands dominate the music scene.

In an age full of Ballistic: Ecks Vs Severs's and American Pie 2's, Road To Perdition is like a whiff of Jasmine after taking a shit.

And to all the goddamn bastards who tried to make movies about fathers and sons, this movie is an example of how to do it right.

No sentimental BS, no soppy melodrama.

An example:


Kid comes downstairs, finds Hanks reading stuff sitting at the table.

Goes over to Hanks, peers into what he's reading. "Maths stuff, huh?" kid asks. Sits down at one of the chairs.

Hanks nods. "I hate maths."

"Me too."

Hanks looks at him (and I almost expect a soppy sad scene about days gone by) and nods. (And I'm relieved.)

"Peter was good at maths," kid says. (Don't remember if "Peter" was the younger brother's name, but that's who he's talking about.)

"He was?"

Kid nods.

"So which subjects are you good at?"

Kid looks at him.

"Which subjects are you good at? Which ones do you like... liked back in school?"

"Bible history, I guess."

"Bible history?"

"Yeah, it was full of stories."

Hanks nods absently and resumes reading his stuff.

"Pa?" kid asks.

Hanks looks up from the paper he's reading.

"Did you like me less than Peter?"

Hanks's raises his brows, caught off-guard... well, almost. "No," he says. "I loved you both the same." He clasps his hands together on the table.

"You were different with me," kid says.

"Was I?"

Kid nods.

"I... guess Peter was just such a lovely boy," Hanks says. "And you... you were so much like me..." Hanks's eyes widen and he looks at his hands.

The kid has an expression on his face that is equal surprise and equal... admiration, almost.

"I didn't want you to end up like me, that's why I was... I didn't mean to be different." His lips tighten, as if he's unsure of what to say next.

"Okay," he kid says.

"Okay?"

"Okay." Kid nods. Gets up, walks past Hanks, says, "Good night, Pa," and then, turns back and hugs Hanks.

Dunno 'bout you, but for me this scene's the most powerful one of the movie.

And the finale. The way Tom falls down and we see him disappear through the window is damn near chilling.

The artwork. One word: serious. Look at the final scene, where the camera zooms back. You'll know what I mean.

And I think, this is something everyone who's had a father will understand:

"People always ask me," Kid says, "if he was a good man or a bad man. I always tell them that he was my father."

I don't think I need to pollute the movie's magic any further by talking about it.

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That's all for now, I think.

Stay well,
---His father's son.