what matters and why

suffocation

4.21.04

I know she's watching me out of the corner of her eye. She's curious, wants to know if my affection is good enough for him. It makes me pull away more. I feel my throat start to close and the walls begin to cave in on me. I am remembering the life we had together, all the things I never had the courage to say. One word runs over my brain a thousand times. Suffocation. I think I'm going to start crying but I can't. She tells the counselor she knows his behavior was odd, but couldn't pinpoint the problem. If only she knew that the problem may not have been drug related at all. I just didn't love you enough. I feel it again. She wants to see my reaction. Will I cry, will I smile? She's searching for any type of emotion, and my face is empty. There is this tense feeling all through my stomach. All over. I remember the last six years and I know I can't go back to that life. I can't go back to that person, the one I worked so hard to get away from, but it's coming back. Like a tornado. I am going to get sucked in. I will be responsible for his feelings, his actions, he happiness. He will look to me to determine your satisfaction in his own life. It's like a swarm of bees, all around me. I can't get out.