Old Decathlon Olympics Journal

May 18 entry - made on 19th: May sucks

May 18th, 2004 (and late again)

May has turned out to be a horrible month for me in regards to real life. And I consider Writing.Com part of my real life too.

I delibrately and intentionally joined the Olympic Decathlon Challenge thinking that it would be a writing challenge. Little did I expect that it would be just as much or more of a time management challenge. For almost a year now I have written everyday so I did not see that as a challenge, but wouldn't you know just as soon as I commit myself so publicly to writing everyday that up crops unbelievable personal challenges that are interferring with my best efforts.

Before the Olympic Challenge I felt like I had all the time in the world. Now, I am a total wreck. It is not the fault of the Olympic Challenges - it is Murrphy's damn law - absolutely everything that could go wrong has, and the month is only barely half over and I am already crying UNCLE.

I feel like such a ridiculous fool so much of the time. I chide myself for thinking that I could ever be any kind of a writer. I read so much wonderful writing here on Writing.Com and I ask myself, "Why isn't more of this stuff in the mainstream?"

I copy and paste a lot of information into Microsoft Word to print out to use as reference material when I am preparing any one of the life skill classes that I teach to a adults. I have found it absolutely necessary to run spell and grammar checks. Most of this information is provided by professionals and is found on big corporate websites. To my amazement there are sometimes so many mistakes I wonder if in their professional glory if they forget to run spell and grammar check on their work. That fact is so encouraging and disheartening at the same time. Sometimes I am deluded enough to think that I could actually do better - and then I look back over the last three weeks. Yep, I am definitely deluded.

I am sitting here at this very moment typing this journal entry and looking around my house. I need a maid.

I have never been content with the results of all my years of living of living on this little piece of dirt hurlin through space, and I ask myself, "Why?"

I am a people watcher. I watch all kinds of people going in every possible direction in life. Most of them seem content with their daily routine pursuits. Have they all just settled into a bland kind of complacancy? Don't they struggle, hunger or thirst for more of anything? Why do they all seem so content with their lots in life? And the bigger question then looms large in front of me - Why am I not content? What am I struggling, hungering, and thirsting for? Again, why am I not content?

I know people that have worked for the same company, lived in the same city, and lived in the same house for over thirty years. I truly don't know how they do that. Is it that I create my own uncertainities? Is it that I like moving around, not really having any roots? I have lost more friends than I think most people have ever had. I have done this by moving on and passing through this stage or that stage of my life. Ah, now I am back to the Patches In Time theme and theory. I see most other people's life's as connected and joined as in a consistent flowing pattern, and when I compare it to my own life I can see the skips and jumps from one time frame to the other. Stages in my life appear to be disconnected or disassociated with all the others. Why is that I wonder? Will I ever be able to connect the Patches In Time that make up the fabric of my life?

I feel like I am a multitude of segements. I got it - I am like a bag of mixed nuts. I am nuts.