Romance Newsletter

August 9th, 2004

About This Newsletter


"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
-Mignon McLaughlin

In marriage, each partner is to be an encourager rather than a critic, a forgiver rather than a collector of hurts, an enabler rather than a reformer. -H. Norman Wright and Gary J. Oliver






Letter From The Editor

Like any other relationship, marriage is full of ups and downs. There are happy moments, horrible moments, and those in between. But what holds marriage together and keeps the romance alive even during the down times?

In order to have a solid and lasting marriage there needs to be communication, respect, unconditional love, faithfulness, and honesty. If we do not have these qualities in our own relationships, then how can we feel the desire to be romantic toward someone, or the desire for someone to be romantic toward us?

Being married without having those special romantic moments makes a marriage uncomfortable. The sweet moments that make our heart beat with anticipation and fill our stomaches with butterflies should still be a part of our emotions even after years of marriage. They may not be as frequent, but they should still remain.

Writing about love and marriage is where an author's imagination is most important - using the imagination to create the marriage as he or she would like it to be while remembering to make the characters real and believable. That's if the author is creating a good marriage. But even if writing about a bad marriage, the author has to remember to make the characters real and believable. Every person has good, loving qualities to some extent, and everyone has faults. Some people(characters) just have more faults than others do. Some have more loving qualities than they do faults.

Every author needs to realize that making characters perfect actually ruins a good plot.






Editor Picks

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #848068 by Not Available.

How To Keep Love Alive In Your Marriage  (E) Article discusses how to keep love alive in their marriage. #858669 by Patty Apostolides

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #862731 by Not Available.

October's Lie  (ASR) Does October lie? #763640 by Vivian

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #423579 by Not Available.

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #267946 by Not Available.

Asks and Answers

I created a survey, "Invalid Item"  to receive various answers for this week's interview section. I hope you find the answers as informative and enjoyable as I did.

1. What is your current martial status? If you are married, please state how long you have been married.

emerald72: I am married. We will celebrate 2 years Aug 31.

Becky Simpson : I am currently single.

pendragon: I've been married for 4 years.

daycare: I am in a common-law relationship. I was married for before for 10 ten years. I divorced my ex because he had multiple affairs on me. I've lived common-law for 9 years.

Jacque Graham : I was widowed in 1990 after 30 years of marriage.

Holly Jahangiri : We just celebrated our 20th Anniversary!

Vivian : I've been married for over forty-two years.

C. Powell : I am divorced... err, certified pre-owned.

The Milkman : I am divorced.

2. What do you think are some ways to keep a romance alive in a long-term relationship or in a marriage?

daycare: I truly believe keeping the friendship alive is the most important thing. Share your thoughts. An open relationship is a healthy one. Hugs and kisses every once-in-awhile are good too. Share your goals and dreams then work hard to make them happen. You have to love yourself before you allow yourself to be loved.

Vivian : One method is to find ways to spend time together without any pressures or stress (or children). Another way is to do something special for your loved one at least each month. Does he like a dish that is time consuming to make? Fix it occasionally. Does he like mystery movies, but you don't? Watch one with him and don't complain verbally or nonverbally. Tell him you love him, and mean it, at least once a day. Show him that you love him all the time. Unless he does things that are dangerous to others or to the marriage itself (such as adultery, violence, abuse, criminal behavior), forgive him and let him know you do. We can't expect to be forgiven for our shortcomings and faults if we don't forgive.

Holly Jahangiri : The wha-? Oh, romance! Make time for it. But be flexible; remember that "romantic" doesn't have to be extravagant, or involve flowers and candy and wine, or long hours spent gazing into one another's eyes. Romance can be a simple, reassuring touch or a smile. It can be remembering a special "anniversary" (like a first date, or first kiss) some 15, 20 years after the fact. It can be watching a DVD at home, after the kids have gone to bed. Or dinner at a nice restaurant - with the kids. I think enjoying each other's company and keeping a sense of humor are more important in the long run than some storybook notion of "romance."

C. Powell : Always be honest no matter the cost. Remain friends even if things go poorly. Argue, but never yell because it solves nothing. Really, it is the simple things that keep a romance alive. Being romantic is fine, but I have found a woman appreciates the little things we do more often than not.

The Milkman : The couple has to be friends first. They need to involve each other, to some extent, in their hobbies and other interests. They need some time together to be alone. Hold conversations with one another.



3. Do you have any suggestions how a writer can build a strong and romantic marriage for their characters?

emerald72: Don't make them too perfect, if they never fight, they're boring and unrealistic. Sometimes small fights can spice up the relationship. Make them human! Make their little idiosyncrasies endearing to their mate. Have them make time for each other.

Becky Simpson : By following what works in life. Marriages are tested every day. They either survive or don't base on the commitment, love, and mutual respect a couple has for each other. Put your characters to the test; follow simple rules that allow them to survive the tests they are going to experience. That is if you want your characters to be realistic.

pendragon: Take from real life experiences. Although most romance readers like to be swept away into the fairy tale, your man could be the next prince charming with a little creative help.

Jacque Graham : I would include some of the things above as well as make my characters address their loved one with respect and loving phrases. I would include thoughts of how much the loved one meant to you by describing positive physical, mental, spiritual aspects of their character. I would include thoughts of how the mate or loved one fit the pattern of your dreams.

The Milkman : I think a writer should include some of the things he/she thinks will make a successful marriage or interview couples who've been married for 25 or more years and incorporate the results into their writings.



4. What should a husband or wife do when married life becomes so difficult that it feels like love is gone?

Becky Simpson : A while back I heard a story about this older man and his wife. He had always owned a truck ever since she first met him and they had enjoyed many rides snuggled warmly together. Through the years they had taken to sitting further apart and this had come to bother his wife. One day as they rode down to a nearby city she bravely asked, "Why don't we snuggle anymore?" The man briefly glancing at her simply said, "I haven't budged an inch." The point is obvious to me that she had drifted away without knowing it. Often we believe our problems are unique and unsurmountable, but if we have a true deep desire to make it work, we can find the way. It is not dependent on what the other person does, but rather just yourself. Of course cheating on your spouse is one thing I am not sure I could overcome.

Vivian : Before I married Robert, a woman who had been married to her husband for over fifty years told me, "When you feel like you no longer love him, keep talking, acting, and reacting as if you do. The love will return." She was correct.

C. Powell : Sometimes if one is in love and the other is only in love with the idea of love, the maybe it is time to cut your losses... especially if you want to remain friends with your spouse and no children are involved. Human nature, though, compels us to fight for those we love, but sometimes the fight is not enough. If you love someone dearly then recognizing his or her need to be happy is the most important thing. If that means ending the marriage for the sake of their happiness, then love would compel me to do so. (I admit, very, very grudgingly)

Holly Jahangiri : Act like love isn't gone. I think being tired and burnt out (not necessarily on each other) kills romance and feels like love is gone. Love needs a good night's sleep now and then.

Jacque Graham : Sit down and write out all the things about your mate that you initially fell in love with. List as many good aspects of the marriage as you can come up with. Write a love letter to the mate from the point of view you had when you first married. Tell your mate you love them, even when it is hard to love their actions. Remember love is a decision more often than a feeling. It was always amazing to me how my mate seemed to change when I decided to do something to make him happy or when I told him how much I appreciated him and loved him. It always seemed to lead us into discussion of our earlier "puppy love" phase and when we were through, we had found enough to keep us going.

emerald72: The most important thing is communication. They must tell their partner what's going on in their head. Otherwise, they can't work together to solve the problem. They must do this before they are tempted to have an affair. That's not fair to either side.

daycare: Try to work it out. Marriage counseling, talking and honesty. Being able to tell your partner how you feel is important. Sometimes it is something they are unaware of. That's why the friendship aspect is so important.

pendragon: Try to recapture it. Communicate hopes, dreams, desires, fears and anger. Don't let the dark side of life overshadow the light of love. Nothing is insurmountable unless you make it that way.

The Milkman : Go back to the basics. Look at a photo album and relive the happy times with their spouse and definitely talk about their troubles.



5. Can the cliché, "don't go to bed angry," be true in a real marriage? Why or why not?

emerald72: hmm...I think it's a good suggestion, but may not be realistic for everyone. Each couple has to find their own way in the world. It may not be possible to solve all their problems so that they go to bed not angry at each other.

Becky Simpson : Yes, In a Christian marriage I think you can manage to make that come true. Even if you have to wake them up to apologize.

pendragon: Yes, if you go to bed angry, resentment and deeper anger set in because you have had time to brood. Arguements are a healthy part of any relationship, but be careful not to be spiteful and say things you don't mean just to hurt the other person. Anger is a powerful enemy if you let it seep into the root of a problem. As adults, this is a critical time when we really become children and lash out just to feel justified. Hurt feelings from sarcasm and self-justification are wounds that are hard to heal.

daycare: NO. In the real world we, we don't always have the chance to work things out in a couple of hours. Busy work schedules, shift work and late hours. I don't believe in the cliché.

Jacque Graham : Sometimes when I discussed things with my husband it took us into the wee hours of the morning. We did not always change each other's mind, but we often at least decided to disagree in an agreeable manner.

Holly Jahangiri : Well, we all go to bed angry now and then (and it beats sleep-deprivation from staying up all night to argue). But on the whole, it's good advice. Don't start a fight at bedtime. That may be even better advice. Don't make hasty decisions when you're angry. Anger doesn't mean the end of love; it's hard to BE angry with someone you don't care about.

Vivian : It really can't. Maybe if a couple disagree over something minor, they can kiss and make up before bedtime. However, emotions cannot be turned off and on very quickly. A deep hurt can't be banished just because it's time to go to bed. Major problems don't disappear just because a couple doesn't want to go to bed angry. A couple may agree to discuss the problem later, but all difficulties may not be resolved before going to bed. They may work out a way to "shelf" something before bed, but the emotions may still churn, and probably will.

C. Powell : Absolutely... it is one hundred percent true. I always felt worse when I went to bed mad at my spouse, and the same for her. We always tried to end the night at least respectful of each other, but not mad. And 'going to sleep on the couch' never works... just makes people crankier.

The Milkman : Yes, that cliche can be true... don't let the anger rule your marriage or your love for the other person.



Thank you to everyone that completed this survey. I thought is was wonderful to see a variety of responses on the different questions asked


Feedback and Questions

shaara: Thank you for including "Invalid Item"  in your romance newsletter. I am so happy it was applicable. I enjoyed the interviews. Thank you to them for their thoughts. I think in a case of interviews, it would really be nice to have a paragraph about each that applies to the topic. ie:Are they married, single, proposing right this minute...? LOL Just a thought.

Another very interesting newsletter. Thanks for your hard work,
Shaara

shaara, thank you for your wonderful comments and thoughts. When I begin one on one interviews again I will use that suggestion.~Lexi

terrilee: Lexi, great newsletter. Loved the interview with Mommy4Life (who's already one of my favorite writers).

Re: The reader who asked why there's more love poetry than love stories. You said that, in your opinion, love stories are harder to write. While that may be true, I think another reason love poetry dominates over stories is that poems are often written for someone, as a gift, or a tribute. Love poems can be given, just like flowers. A story, somehow, doesn't have quite the same feeling to it. Most of us have written love poetry for, or about, the ones we love.
As a writer who considers herself primarily a poet, I'd also have to say that I think writing good poetry of ANY kind, including love poetry, is every bit as hard as writing a good story. Bad poetry is something else, that's easy to churn out. I've got plenty of bad love poems in my files, but try not to post my worst stuff here. I loved the way your newsletter made me think Lexi.

terrilee, I do agree with you, but I was just speaking what I personally felt. Certainly, a strong piece of poetry can take a decent amount of time and effort to create. I appreciate all of your encouraging comments, and I was glad the issue made you think. ~Lexi

Puditat : Lexi, nice editorial and interview section. Thanks for an interesting read.

Vivian : Another interesting newsletter, Lexi. I'm anxious to see how you handle Marriage and Love next month.

As an editor, I love hearing all your thoughts, opinions, and questions. Thank you for bringing smiles to my face. If you have any comments concerning this topic, or any other please submit them to the newsletter.







My Next Issue
Growing Old With Love

Until Next Time,
~Lexi