what matters and why

time, space

05/23/04
I wanted to come over so badly today. I wanted to spend time with you and him. Seems that every time we make some kind of progress, something goes wrong again. You keep making promises you can't commit to. You can't let go of me. You can't let me be a person. I'm wondering if time away from each other would be the best thing right now. I can't help feeling I'm getting sucked back into something that I'm not sure I really want. In our time apart the last six months, I have become a stronger and more independent person. I'm so afraid of losing that. Seems that when I'm with you, I lose all sense of myself.

I try to tell you I would like to live somewhere on my own for a while. You say that doesn't make sense, and I'm better off here. I tell you I'm not sure if I'm in love with you. Initially upset, you respond later with, "yes, you do love me, you just don't know it." You tell me how to feel, tell me what I need and what I want. In your effort to be less controlling, I feel it more than ever. I don't know how many times I can tell you I'm not ready before you'll hear it. I'm sorry our timing is off. You know now that you want your family more than ever, and to me, I can't fathom going back to the life we had. I had finally adjusted to the idea that I was alone, and now here you are again. You did your thing, had your fun, and decided it wasn't for you. You're ready. And you can't imagine why I don't want what you do. I've been miserable for a year. I've finally gotten out of that slump, and I'm ready to live again.