Personal Journal

Tomorrow, Wendy

Tomorrow, a few hours from now really, is a big day. The news can either be mediocre, or it can be bad, or it can be terrible.
Jean had an MRI today. She's suffered with double-vision and light-headedness for 3 weeks, so they moved forward her MRI. They need to determine if it was a tumor issue, or if it wasn't, that they could start fiddling with medications to help alleviate this.

Even if it's not the tumor, that doesn't mean it's great news. Tomorrow, we'll know what the tumor looks like. Whatever it looks like, it will never get better than this, and only worse from the present, until it kills her. Well, I still hold out hope of a few things - that she was misdiagnosed on the type of tumor, that we can keep it from growing indefinitely, or that a miracle cure comes along. But anyhow, I know that it's striking Jean how close to her own mortality that she is.

She's had a tough day, some crying again today about this. And for the first time since this really started in January, we're having talks about death. She's worried about me, which I find strange, actually. I'm worried about two things: I'm worried about comforting her from her fears, and I'm worried about the decline in her health that would make someone wish they were dead. Especially the latter, because I had that premonition that she'll end up that way.

I don't know if she's thought about that, but I bet she has. I just want to make her comfortable and help her not fear so much the future that she becomes incapable of insulating herself sufficiently to enjoy the presence.

Denial has never been a more useful tool to a human being as it is in this situation. To not think that what doctors have told us is the future reality could actually come to be, that is essential. To live in the present, you must quit considering the future.

Jean is very bad at optimism, and rather always has been (which is something I dislike intensely about her personality). And she's very poor at steering her thoughts away from upsetting issues. And so on a night like tonight, there's no consoling her, really. I managed, actually, but only by chance. After a conversation, the Daily Show came on comedy channel, and that helps her considerably to laugh and to forget. Were it not for that, she would still be bereft downstairs. Instead, she fell asleep. Which is what I must do now.

I'm glad I'm writing more. I need more of it, but it's just not a high priority right now. Jean needs constant company. I slept for 5 hours today during the afternoon, believe it or not. Anymore, I'm lucky to get 6 hours at night, and maybe a half-hour nap during the day. So I guess I caught up a bit. As I say, though, I need to go to sleep now.

I'd really like to write some fiction soon.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn