Personal Journal

Jean again

I’m watching a person deal with the inevitability of her own death.
I can’t bear it, but I have to.
I have to admit that there’s one thing about Jean that I blame her for: she’s never put together a spiritual outlook on life, so the notion of dying for her is the ultimate trauma. Well, that sounds pretty rude to say, and I don’t mean it. But when you consider death to be the end of everything… hell, I can’t complete this thought right now.
Jean has isolated herself from life, and that’s bad. She gets onto tangents where she thinks everyone will be better off without her, or that nobody really cares about her (when the truth is that they think Jean wants to be left alone, as she has avoided them and returning phone calls and such). I’m weak to try to get her to reach out to people. I don’t give her orders, because it’s too difficult to try to help her see the wisdom of a path that is not of her own initiation. She remains a control freak to the point where it deprives her of the full joy of life, and that bothers me. It bothers me because it perpetuates the feeling of imminent loss.
I believe you have to live life to the fullest each day. I believe you don’t look at the sword of damocles; enjoy your dinner…
I think I’m seeing in Jean that she’s starting the process of giving up hope. I think we’re going to get some bad news today at the neurosurgeon (long story).
I do not know what to do to be a comfort to her. If any readers have any advice, please give it. I don’t suppose many people have any, though, because no one really teaches how to deal with these situations. I can understand why. Dying is personal.
Watching someone die is the definition of helplessness.
I’m going to have to make some comments to Jean today, about staying in touch with people. She needs to feel the love of others, because that’s the only thing that can possibly comfort. That can bring meaning. That can insulate one from feeling that the end is approaching, that can make one realize that the end is just a new beginning.
She needs to be able to see something to look forward to, if that sounds strange. I don’t know, I’m so frayed and tired today.


It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn