When I Die

Someone at W.com pissed me off! Yeehaw!

It's finally happened. I suppose it should've happened much, much earlier. I think ever since the powers that be made me a Mod I've been looking forward to something like this.

My rant follows, but before that, the reason why I'm pissed off, word for word:

The review I sent:


TWO STARS.

The story shows promise, and the beginning sets up a great premise.

What's wrong is the way the story fleshes out. It's just... too rushed, I think.

I believe that stories should proceed at their own pace; if you force them to speed up just to lower the word count, they lose their zing.

You could describe everything in a more... magnified view. In detail.

The biggest problem here is your sentence structure. Sentences should flow, like the lyrics of a song.

Now, I'm just a newbie writer like you, so please don't feel angry about whatever I've said about this story. Really, I'm nobody to give you any official advice.

But I am a a reader at heart. And what the reader in me tells me is that this story would read a lot, lot better if you used simple sentence structures. Just try to split long sentences into two. Make sure every sentence puts forth a single action or thought. For example:

Emptiness clogged his strain of thought, he would sit.--You could split this up as: Emptiness clogged his strain of thought. He would sit for hours... and so on and so forth. Notice how the same sentence makes more sense broken up into two?

Also, what I think you should do is read a few good books. Read them once for joy and then study them for their language and mechanics. Reading is to writing what debugging is to programming, if you get what I mean.

Don't feel disheartened by this review. If you try hard enough, you'll succeed... and that's not just my newbie opinion, either.

Wishing you luck.

Do keep writing,
---Chimp.


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The reply GREAT, AWESOME, GENIUS writer sent: I had originally pasted the mail here word for word, but someone (someone I trust blindly. Love ya, and thanks for telling me) told me that doing so is a copyright violation, so I cut out the mail and have just pointed out some things the mail said/implied. I hope this is not illegal. If it is, tell me and I'll change it to something legal. The only reason I first posted the real mail was to let the reader be the judge. Is all. I didn't mean to break any rules or point any fingers. But, breaking a rule is breaking a rule and I'm sorry.



1) AWESOME Writer's writing is better than me.

2) Use complex sentences all the time.

3) AWESOME writer understands english language like nobody else and poor old chimp doesn't.

4) AWESOME writer's read lots of books.

5) AWESOME writer doesn't need anymore practice in writing.


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My reply:

Well, then, best of luck with your creative endeavours, since you don't
obviously need any help.

Write on,
---Chimp.

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Read it all over once again.

I'll wait.

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Read it? Good.

Now a disclaimer: What follows could probably get me thrown off the site, because when I tend to be angry I tend to be very degrading. Not to forget sarcastic. To everyone who's reading this, I'd like to say one thing: everything that follows I've said for one reason and one reason only: for the art. For writing. In the best interests of authors. Even Mister AWESOME writer. This is not a personal attack even though it might read like one. If there's anything personal about it, it's the craft of writing, nothing else.

The rant:

I'll be the first one to say I'm a sucky writer if anyone asks me. I think everyone who reads this journal already knows that. Most of you've even chided me on being too damn harsh and critical about my writing.

And I'll still say it: I'm a sucky writer.

I'll leave it upto you to judge my writing.

But, allow me this indulgence, if you will: GREAT, AWESOME, GENIUS writer needs to work on his grammar and spelling and punctuation and narration if he's gonna get anywhere. Read his email if you need proof. The story's just like the mail. Slippery, slobbery. And I mean "story", not just spelling/grammar.

I may not know most things about composition, but I do know how to form sentences, as Mr GREAT, AWESOME, WHATEVER writer claims I don't.

I can take a lot of shit, you don't know half the insane words I've swallowed right from Granny's miserable tongue. I can take a lot of self abuse, I'm the first guy to abuse myself. Tell me, how many of you've never heard me call myself a shit-prick loser?

But I can't take pretentious brats. As simple as that. Bloated egos don't go down my throat at all.

I urge you fellow W.com brethen to read the story and judge if what I'm saying has any merit at all. And if not, I urge you to tell me I've fucked up.

Mr. WHATEVER, well, buddy, you're right. You don't need no more friggin' practice. It's me that needs more practice so I can decipher your GREAT, AWESOME, GENIUS, BLOODY MARVELLOUS writing! Man, am I ignorant and behind my times or what? This is the age of the intellectual writers who don't give a shit; intelligent writers who write electric prose.

I'm the sucker, right? I need to broaden my fucking horizons, right?

Man, am I a fucking bad hack or what?

Man, do I suck a fat pig's farty ass or what?

Man, does my writing deserve to be burned up or what?

Man, do I need to stop writing and abusing this honored art or what?

Man, do I deserve a whupping.

Maybe I'm reading his email the wrong way, but everything I know and every single logical impulse tells me that this Mr Shakespeare wants to say one thing: "I'm fucking marvellous. I don't need your fucking opinion, you lousy, degrading hack. So fuck off."

Mr. WHATEVER, most of the time I consider it a privilige to read someone's work here at W.com, priviliged to get a chance to read something good. And most of the time I really marvel about the kind of talented company I'm in. I'm talking about Kali and Bear and Gyppy and Anood and Haizey and Orion's Moon and Lady Capp and Belle and Will and Milkman and Pita and so on and so forth.

But everybody now bow before Mr. AWESOME Writer!

Mr. LOVECRAFT WAS A HACK AND LOOK AT ME, I'M ON FIRE, I feel absolutely delighted to read your Pulitzer prize winning tale! It's so good I can't even imagine its greatness, mere mortal that I am.

Mr. HONORABLE writer, you're 14, and you're such a genius! A goddamn prodigy! How can I possibly even entertain the thought of criticising your work, my holy Lord! How can I? I, who can't even write! I, who am so impossibly inferior to you! I, who just happen to be here at W.com since there's no discrimination between bad and good writers here! Otherwise I'd have been thrown away on the grounds of indecent abuse of the craft, wouldn't I?

Wouldn't I?

I'm here only because I kissed a lot of asses, ain't I?

Ain't I? How else does one become a Mod? I don't know, after all, I only got here by sucking up to people, didn't I?

But forget all that crap for a second.

The only thing that really has me seething is the first line of his email. His writing is greater than mine? Maybe. I'm not the guy to judge that.

But neither the fuck is he.

How can he possibly say something like this?

Maybe he's a confused teen... God knows I know how 14 is like. Rebellion.

But I don't think I was this uncouth at that age. I don't think so.

When I first joined W.com (it was Stories.com back then, you MARVELLOUS, AMAZING writer, you!), I was bad, my writing sucked. It really did. I was the literary equivalent of Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears. Worse than them, if that's possible.

I can see that much change now. And that very fact tells me I've improved, you see. If I can point out glaring errors in my own work, work which at that time seemed pretty "awesome", then I surely must have changed for the better.

I'm not saying I'm fuckin Hemingway, I won't ever say that because folks like Hemingway come once in a century or a millenium. I'm still a struggling voice yacking in the void. A silent fart that only the farter hears and smells.

But I have improved.

And the only reason I have is because unlike MARVELLOUS Writer, I knew back then that I had many miles yet to go; I still know it.

On the Scroller I said recently that I'm a writing newbie for all practical reasons, and it's true. Until four months back the words "second drafts" and "plotting" were alien to me.

But I'm not a storytelling newbie. If I can say so, I know the difference between good narration and bad narration. And I try my best to make sure my stories are narrated as well as I can.

If you ask me who's the better storyteller between a Stephen King and a Sydney Sheldon or a Chuck Palahniuk and a Dan Brown, I'd pick Stephen King and Chuck every time you asked.

If all this sounds like I'm defending my stature as a writer, I think there's some seed of truth in it. Because, you see, I know I'm a mediocre writer at best, but according to me, Mr AWESOME AMAZING writer is certainly no better than me.

That's my opinion.

The rest I leave up to you people. You, Authors.

---Pretentious, bad, miserable hack.

PS: I repeat, anything that seems personal in this rant is NOT. I'm not angry at the guy, the brickbats are not aimed at him. They're only aimed at his misconceptions. I hope you see that. I hope you don't mistake this for anything other than what it is: a sincere plea, for something we all love. And I hope the dope realizes the truth so he can start working on being better. He could be good if he wants to be.

PPS: I also took out the link to the story. If you want, though, mail me and I could give you a link.