what matters and why

a way out

9/2/04

Sadly I'm not sure the seperation of our emotional lives bothers me so much. I can't open up. I can't let you in. I want to know myself. I don't have any space with you here all the time. I don't know why I didn't leave. I'm so unhappy, even more now than I was when you were practically living with someone else. I should have let you go. You never would have let me. I wish I would have been stronger. I thought, at the time, that a newfound physical chemistry was enough to save this. How wrong I was. And now the consequences I will pay for that. I let you take all our stuff. I let you leave me here with nothing. Nothing but the choice to come with you, which I dread. You will take me away from my support system here, isolate me from everything I know and convince me that things are better your way. It will be great, for a year or two. Then I will feel it again. The fun will wear off when it's not new anymore. And you will never give me the respect I need. You will never build me up, my confidence in myself will falter again, and eventually I will be alone. I will have to do this all over again. Your support, your love, your attraction, it's all controlling and suffocating. You will never allow the past to resurface, you will pretend it never happened. You will eventually hope that I will forget and move on. I won't. It will always be there. How deeply you cut into my soul, and you want it to disappear. The time, energy, money you spent on someone else, will never go away. The things you said. And even though you may not say them anymore, you continue to believe you were right. You believe you deserved that time with someone else since I didn't love you enough. It's too soon for me to move on. I want out, but how do I tell you that?