Life as we know it sucks

I thought it was Harmless Flirting

Current Mood: feeling a tad bit better than yesterday

Current Music: the beeps of IMs

Ugh. You know what I really hate about myself? My heart and who it chooses to like or not to like. Christopher is just a very acceptable young man and he's so nice to me and he's new - different, you know?

And then there's Shane . . . He's everything to me. He alone got me out of my depression over Matt - unintentionally, of course. He's always been there and I just feel so bad that I can't do anything about it. I can't force the thoughts our of my head.

I was hoping Christopher didn't fancy me back; that he thought I was an imbecile for even thinking that . . . but that's not the case. He openly admitted it and I'm so distraught; I'm even getting a pimple! *sigh*

I just wish Rachel were here to smack me. I have a great thing with Shane and I know it, but I feel like something's wrong right now. That my heart isn't in it at the moment. Oh my God! This is everything to me!! This would be the end of my future . . . the end of everything.

I should stop everything with Christopher. I should stop emailing him and IMing him until it blows over.

I feel like Rory on Gilmore Girls when she had to decide between Dean and Jess (thank God she picked Jess!). *sigh* I know it's not TV . . . but I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I'm so confused! I hope Shane and I have a good, good, GOOD time tomorrow so I can forget all about this . . . but I can't right now. It's all I'm thinking about. *sigh*

It's everything Shane said would happen. I would like another guy (a very unsuspected one, might I add) and leave him - or at least think about it. *sigh*

Do you ever just hate yourself sometimes? Things like this seriously make me think about cutting again. Yes, I know it's bad. But it just helps me. I haven't done it in over a year, but it's just so tempting once in a while. *sigh*

Ugh! I need to stop with the madness! Everything will be fine. Everything will blow over. I'll pray or something. But what made it worse was the reality of Christopher bringing up my boyfriend. Ack!

He said, "I won't ask you to leave him or anything, I just wondered. I'll be fine it you don't." Gee. How nice for you.

And then he says he's in no rush to start anything. Makes me wonder - WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!

Anyway . . . the only two things I'm worried about is hurting either of them. I love Shane - I do, I'm just overwhelmed with infatuation that I'm getting confused and Christopher has alreayd had this happen before with a girl who'd had a boyfriend at the same time and I really don't want to be a repeat of that.

I'm such an idiot for getting wrapped up in this. I wish I were a lesbian. lol Therefore I wouldn't have as many choices. Har har. I'm joshing about the lesbianism, by the way. :)

I'm writing an awful lot, aren't I? I just have so much SHIT to get off of my chest, I guess. I thought it was harmless flirting. Apparently, I sparked someone's interest in the process. lol

Perhaps I'll go to sleep and it will all be a dream, eh? No . . . it feels too real and is too real. *sigh* I'm sighing a lot, aren't I? I need to go to sleep. I need to sleep on something as majorly terrible as this.

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To everyone out there who's a little different, I say damn a magazine, these are God's fingerprints.