Life as we know it sucks

It's Over.

Current Mood: *sigh*

Current Music: She's the Blade - Sugarcult

I bought some rubber bands. They're a therapeudic (sp?) technique for people who cut. Put them on your wrists and when you feel like cutting, just snap them. Still causes pain, but doesn't leave marks. I'm wearing 4.

Monday 11-08

Today was one of the worst days. One of the longest, too. I can't believe I made it through it. *sigh*

I snapped those rubber bands so much today it left red marks for well over a half hour. I have four on my right arm and five on my left. They do calm me, but the urge to just calm myself in one or two simple cuts is overwhelming!

I don't know if I can do this. It's so hard. He was like my best friend and in a few moments POOF! he's not. I mean, it's like he died except I still see him and still hear his voice, that taunting but beautiful voice of his. And those piercing green/orange eyes that I can no longer look into. *sigh* I miss him. It's only been four days since we last spoke. I want to so badly, but I have no idea what to say to him. The last words I said to him were, "Fine. Whatever."

I promised a story, so here goes it...

On Thursday afternoon, it was a rainy day, I was sitting in Christopher's car with he, Joseph, and Steven. I wasn't in the greatest mood because Christopher had been mean to me all 4th period, or so I thought. I'd been thinking while those three guys discussed Grand Theft Auto. Maybe he was starting to push me away since I hadn't really made up my mind. Well, I sort of had...but I really didn't want that to be my decision.

Then, he said something that just totally pissed me off (I don't recall what) and I jumped out of the car and slammed his stupid door and went up to my car . . . It was a rough distance from the very beginning of the lower lot to the band doors where my car is parked - and in the rain even.

I thought that maybe before I got too far, he would have gotten out of the car to stop me . . . but he didn't. He let me walk up to my car in the POURING FUCKING RAIN!

Later that evening . . . I got online. He was on. I was on. 45 minutes passed - neither of us saying anything. So, I said something. I said something like, "You know what I hate?" So, I got off on a tangent about my mother and then we argued about why I was mad at him (somehow he didn't know why) and then it got us "yelling" and "screaming" about how I was leading him on and such.

I asked him if he was pushing me away. I said it would explain why he's been acting so strangely lately. And then he retorted back something like, " Well, what'd you expect me to do? Sit around and wait for something to, that was obviously not going to happen, happen? You said you were breaking up with Shane and that we'd get a chance. I waited. Nothing happened. I think you just wanted things to stay the way they were so you didn't have to choose and lose one of us. Which is shit! You knew you'd made up your mind, yet you kept leading me on."

My response: "Fine, whatever." Then signed off.

Firday, I skipped 4th so I didn't have to bear it . . . so I didn't have to bear him and all. *sigh* And that's my story.

Yours Truly

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"I love you" is only 8 letters . . . then again, so is "bullshit."