Seriously?!

Feeling the Igor

What the fuck is wrong with me? I had all sorts of fucked up nightmares last night...

Due to the stitches in my face I didn't attend any of the karate classes or sparring last night. Hadn't any plans to go out either, but CPI called at about 830p and said that he, Sarah, and Kyle (who was teaching the classes bostaff while CPI took over his classes in S.Denver. This will be going on for the next 3Thurs.) were going to meet up at the Darkhorse did I wanna come?

The only reason I wanted to go was because I wouldn't otherwise have an opportunity to buy CPI a congratlatory shot before getting his 3rd degree black belt on Sunday. Trust me, it's a big damn deal AND he's getting it a whole year early cause he's a fucking bad ass prodigy with 7 ft high split kicks.

I ask J9 to ride wingman, because I don't want to stay and I know she has a column she has to write and turn in by the next day so she won't want to stay too long either. We get there and I get a host of weird looks but thank god no questions from the assemblage about the Phantom of the Opera look I got going. I buy tequila shots for the five of us and then proceed to sit around feeling weird and not talking. The numby is wearing off and I'm in the in between stage of dribbling when ever I try to drink or talk and the haha-ow-fuck haha-ow-fuck every time I laugh stage. I'm NOT feeling the pretty pretty princess.

We're there longer than I want to be by an hour because J9 is actually having a good time and then Tiff shows up. I am thoroughly miserable and getting a cramp in my ass sitting with my elbow on the table in order to use my prop hand to coverup most of the bandage on my face. Finally I tell J9 I'm going to cut and run and for her to stay and catch a ride home with Tiff or CPI. She thinks about it and then decides to come home with me, write her column and then go back.

Which is what she does. Meanwhile I get ready for bed, and read until I hear her come in around 12:30a. I think I hear her talking to someone. Someone male. Then all of a sudden I'm raging freaked thinking that she's brought CPI home. Weird. I finally talk myself out of that line of thought telling myself that J9 would never ever do that - she's said so herself, right?

So I turn off the light and go to sleep. And ALL NIGHT LONG I have these hideous nightmares that she DID bring CPI home and I confront her. I scream and rage and come so very very close to kicking her ass and the whole time she's just mocking me saying how he never really wanted me anyway, and how I'm delusional thinking anyone could possibly ever want me.

At one point I wake myself up bawling, get up use the bathroom and go back to sleep, laughing, shakily, at how stupid I'm being. And then I resume the same fucking dream where I scream at J9 that I broke up with Todd in order to be with CPI and how could she do this to me after I've been such a good friend to her.

Christ.

I really have some serious trust issues here. And self-esteem issues. And boyfriend issues. Time is coming to deal, too, and I'm not exactly looking forward to it.